I wrote this

Counting clouds as I try, to drift into sleep because the sheep pissed on my sheets.
It's stinky but I make way two my ship at sea.
In order to talk with my ship deck mates.
And say stormy night with glowing jello fish.
Sky bright, sky up high, led my mind to sleep.
As I dream, lets not repeat the stinky smells from that old sheep.

Comments


  • AWarriorOfTime wrote:

    Counting clouds as I try, to drift into sleep because the sheep pissed on my sheets.
    It's stinky but I make way two my ship at sea.
    In order to talk with my ship deck mates.
    And say stormy night with glowing jello fish.
    Sky bright, sky up high, led my mind to sleep.
    As I dream, lets not repeat the stinky smells from that old sheep.


    Associating sleep with "sheep piss" and "It's stinky" will likely repulse many readers. The follow up "Stinky smells of that old sheep" underscore the revulsion.

     

    "Ship deck mates" is redundant: "Deck mates" will suffice.

     

    "jello fish" -- unless they are made of Jell-O brand (TM) gelatin -- should be "jellyfish."

     

    ll. 4ff: one might wish to use double quotes to indicate what part, exactly, you are saying to the deck mates.

     

    If the underlying concept is unpleasant sleep, then the imagery works, otherwise, one might wish to rethink the schema.

  • I take from this an attempt at "counting sheep gone awry", which is an interesting premise to explore. I Agree with Skoob that the "sheep pissed on my sheets" line opens with a sense of revulsion, that persists throughout the piece. There might be a softer way to let us visualize this, or perhaps even just a different means of phrasing to avoid that instant reaction and invest us in the plight of the sleepless narrator.
  • RoyRRoyR Author
    edited August 29
    "to", "too", "two", three different words with three different meanings, not interchangeable.  
  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor

    The slightly repulsive imagery bothers me not at all.

    The only changes I would make are minor:

    Counting clouds as I try to drift into sleep because the sheep pissed on my sheets. [there may be an overload of "ee" sounds, but I'm not sure]
    It's stinky but I make way to my ship at sea,
    In order to talk with my shipmates,
    And say: "Stormy night with glowing Jell-O fish,
    Sky bright, sky up high, lead my mind to sleep."
    As I dream, let's not repeat the stinky smells from that old sheep.

    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • A_A_CainA_A_Cain Oz Creator
    The Resurrectionist Men dug a deep hole and found a two year old corpse.

    "It's okay," said one grave-digger to the other, "it's the internet. Nobody pays attention to time any more."

    Why do people on forums keep doing this, resurrecting ancient threads? Sigh...
  • I think there is an underlying, subtle, and hidden message to discover somewhere in this thread. 

    Although that's only if one so chooses to sift under juniors piss-soaked, melted Jell-O stick sheets in search of any rational or reasonable explanation for this thread.

    I'm glad though, that Ron seemed to be some-what amused by this quarky, little stink-pit of a off-handed Nursery Rhyme. I'm not though.

    Yet, somehow Skoob's calm, and, "robot" like decisiveness about the whole thing almost put me to tears! Way to go Skoob!
  • I think there is an underlying, subtle, and hidden message to discover somewhere in this thread. 

    Although that's only if one so chooses to sift under juniors piss-soaked, melted Jell-O stick sheets in search of any rational or reasonable explanation for this thread.

    I'm glad though, that Ron seemed to be some-what amused by this quarky, little stink-pit of a off-handed Nursery Rhyme. I'm not though.

    Yet, somehow Skoob's calm, and, "robot" like decisiveness about the whole thing almost put me to tears! Way to go Skoob!
    While it is possible that the entire thread was just a wind up, to troll for a reaction, I chose to take it at face value and to assume that the implied question was sincere.

    Glad you enjoyed, Kurt. :)
  • A_A_Cain said:
    The Resurrectionist Men dug a deep hole and found a two year old corpse.

    "It's okay," said one grave-digger to the other, "it's the internet. Nobody pays attention to time any more."

    Why do people on forums keep doing this, resurrecting ancient threads? Sigh...
    Wait... Was that reference from Ray Bradbury's "S is for Space?" The last buried man, trying to revive the fear of death and the unknown?
  • A_A_CainA_A_Cain Oz Creator
    Skoob_ym said:
    A_A_Cain said:
    The Resurrectionist Men dug a deep hole and found a two year old corpse.

    "It's okay," said one grave-digger to the other, "it's the internet. Nobody pays attention to time any more."

    Why do people on forums keep doing this, resurrecting ancient threads? Sigh...
    Wait... Was that reference from Ray Bradbury's "S is for Space?" The last buried man, trying to revive the fear of death and the unknown?
    Not knowingly. "Resurrectionist Men" was, I believe, the name grave robbers were given, selling corpses to doctors for dissection and research. Victor Frankenstein and his buddies, rather than Ray Bradbury on Mars.
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius
    Why do people on forums keep doing this, resurrecting ancient threads? Sigh...

    I never noticed. I did not scroll up.
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