COMEDY FORUM [ Edited ]

[Ken Anderson]

To get it started

I was driving into work this morning approaching a road junction when the car in front suddenly stopped and I drove into the back of it.  While I was sitting there the driver of the car jumped out and stormed up to shouting and waving his arms. It looked quite funny as he was a dwarf so I opened the window and leaned out to hear what he was saying.
"I'm not happy, I'm not happy" he shouted.

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?

Hi Folks,
This is an attempt to resurrect the old Comedy Forum.
Please treate the thread as a forum of it's own and keep it going. 
Use the 'Comedy Forum' tag, and add the tag to very post.
You can use 'Float this topic to top' in Topic Options to keep at the top of the discussion list 

[DavidLango · Accepted solution]

Yay!

A joke!

I am brand new here, and started with this forum section to see if there were threads complaining about LuLu...

If I had gone to this one particular forum and did a little reading I may not have selected the brand of smart phone I bought.

My brother wrote a little memoir. He calls me and says "hey I just got back from being alone in my cabin at the lake and wrote a book!"

By and by we're trying to conjure up a valid wager about the Superbowl. He's poor as a church house mouse, so I asks, "is my son still storing your rifle cuz of your felony record?" Long story shortened, I don't have to worry about learning to publish, cuz the Steelers will win!

Anyway, since the Packers won, I'm starting to learn it would have been cheaper just to buy a rifle LOL

[thehairymob]

Welcome David. Great idea Ken will watch this closely and look forwards to a good laugh. :~)

[Faith Carroll]

Thanks for beginning this, Ken.  I'll have to Kudo you, now 

Alright, it's on [cracks knuckles] ...

Two termites saunter into a saloon, look around, and one asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Faith Carroll]

   Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist were covering a political convention in Miami. They decided to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rubbed the lamp a genie appeared and said, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

     The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

     The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off.

     Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

     "I want them both back after lunch," replied the editor, "the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in ten hours.

---

[her_benny_hocking]

From the moment he could walk, a young boy did nothing but turn round and around and around, by the time he was a teenager his mother could stand no more and took him to the doctors, they referred him to an NHS specialist, who could make nothing of it and said there was nothing they could do. But then in the news it came out that the Duke of Edinburgh had also had the same problem as a young man, apparently he would start off moving round in perfect circles, but also concentric circles, then walk backwards but still in a perfeclty round fashion and all sorts of geometric variations. But luckily for him, an eminent medical professor from Harley Street managed to cure him. When the now young man glanced down at the feature in the paper as he passed by while moving round, he said to his mother, 'Well why can't we go to see that bloke? He cured the Duke of Edinburgh?' His mother replied, 'We can't son, he moves in different circles.'

Thank you, thank you, ok, calm down now, quiet! You won't hear the next one ...

A council workman is given the job of repainting an old woman's council house porch in black gloss. He made a terrible mess, drips all over the windows, missed parts and so on. The old woman saw this, was livid and told the workman 'GO! AND NEVER DARKEN MY DOORSTEP AGAIN!'

I suspect I myself may now have to go and never darken this forum again!

[Faith Carroll]

her_benny_hocking, 

     Those are terribly terrific groaners  

[AntonMaurice]

A woman gets a new job working at a law firm. Her first day on the job she finds herself on the elevator with a coworker, nervously she smiles and says "hello." He smiles back and says "hello. My, your hair smells nice." She says thank you and when the door opens she quickly exits the elevator. Over the next two weeks she tries to avoid him but whenever she bumps into him he smiles and says, "my your hair smells nice." Finally fed up she goes to the boss and complains, relating the same story to him.

"Well," the boss says quite confused. "I don't understand the problem.

Angrily the woman shouts, "Well he's a midget!"

[LadyG]

The lawyer was trying to discredit the witness and asked her, "What is your profession?" She said, "I am a dancer." He persisted, "What kind of dancer?" and she reluctantly replied, "An exotic dancer." The man persisted, "Where do you dance?" and she replied, "In a gentlemen's club." "So you're a stripper in a topless bar?" the man asked. She hesitated for a minute and replied, "I am proud to do that rather than do what my brother does." "And what does your brother do?" the prosecutor asked. "He's a lawyer," she answered

[haroldemundo]

Why dont we start up the old Sci Fi Forum instead????