Indeed, very well done.
It does appear well written, and have a good cover. It will be interesting to see what professional editing and cover design, plus Lulu's full marketing and PR support does for it.
Ron Miller said:
Think of those descriptive words he used! The "hammering" of the guns, the "whistle" of air being "split apart," the "red black roar" of an explosion...all of these are very evocative and add materially to the mood of the scene. He could have said, "There was gunfire and the sound of bullets and then an explosion," but he wasn't depending entirely on his reader's imaginations to fill in the vivid details.
It's what to leave out that's the challenge Ron. When you start down that path you can get carried away and it begins to sound ridiculous. You said you once painted some minimalist covers and it's so much easier to write in a more minimalist style, like my first version of the rape. Also I have to admit I think my second version was just more descriptive. How was it "showing."? I described what Patsy wore to go to the library. I described her journey culminating after further description, in a description of her rape and her journey back to her room and what she did there. I could have made it even more descriptive. I don't lack the vocabulary. By my descriptions of the above did I paint a picture of Patsy's character, like an artist does when s/he paints a portrait? Could you see the scene outside, which you would see so clearly if it was painted? Is showing just describing, but not just using adjectives. I could say Patsy has a pretty face, easy, but does that paint a picture of Patsy? I think not! However I could describe Patsy in more detail, her hair, her eyes etc, even use similes or metaphors, so you would have a clear picture of her. Isn't that just using description? Yes, you caught "too many thens." Perfectly true.
Just Kevin said:
So what about my idea?
So what about my idea?
Gosh it's hard work doing all you suggested and this is only one scene I've a whole book to revise!! Is this better?Very, very much improved! It is much more engaging and involving. You get a better sense of who Patty is and what she is like as a person.At first read, I saw only a few punctuation issues, mainly, which are trivial at this stage. I will go through it again to see if there might be anything that comes to mind that might be more substantial... It was a dull, windy, Thursday afternoon. Patsy decided to head for the bright lights of the Central Library. Putting on her dark blue winter coat and shoving a hat on her head, she grabbed her bag and headed for the exit. Outside her breath made clouds as it hit the cold air. Arriving at the bus stop she smiled when she saw the bus trundling towards her. "Good timing," she thought. The bus was almost empty when it arrived . However when she got on she saw a very fat, young man with a wide, flabby face. staring at her. Patsy ignored him and took a seat as far away from the man as was possible. She felt a bit unnerved by his blank stare, so she was relieved when he got off at the next stop. As her stop approached Patsy rang the bell and got off when the bus stopped right in front of the Victorian building that housed the library. She walked quickly into the warmth of the old building. Collecting the books she needed, Patsy sat down at a table in the reference section. She soon became absorbed in her studies and was oblivious to the rustling noises [no comma] as the people around her browsed through their books. A few hours glided by as Patsy did her research. Suddenly[,] she felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning round, she saw the middle-aged librarian glaring at her. "We're closed[,] young woman," she said, pointing to the clock. Patsy jerked her eyes upward toward a window and saw that daylight had completely flown. "I'm so sorry," she said, gathering up her books and returning them to the shelves. Then she stuffed the notes she'd been making into her bag. Patsy hurried out of the warm library into the cold.winter's night. Luckily she didn't have to wait long for the bus to come and again it was almost empty. [perhaps add that she was glad to not see anyone as disturbing at the young man had been---which might be an excuse to say something about her feeling nervous about being out alone on her own] The few passengers ignored her as she took a window seat. At her stop she hopped off the bus and began to walk purposefully towards her Hall of Residence. However she felt uncomfortable in the dimly lit street. As she walked along she heard footsteps behind her. At first she didn't want to turn round to see who it was; instead she quickened her pace. But now the footsteps grew louder, Patsy glanced back and saw a shadowy figure getting ever closer. Swiftly[,] she crossed the road and broke into a run, but the figure was closing the gap between them like a grizzly closing in on it's helpless prey. [very nice!] Suddenly[,] a heavy[,] sweaty hand was slapped across her mouth and an arm curled around her shoulders as she felt herself being dragged into an alleyway."Don't say a word Piggy, Wiggy. You know what will happen to you if you do," growled a voice. Instantly Patsy recognised the voice. It was Damien Brown. Brown pulled the struggling, slight figure girl behind two dustbins. He tore off her coat with one hand and flung it to the pavement. Then he threw her to the ground as he undid his zip. He lifted up her skirt and ripped off her panties, then he threw himself on top of her. After he'd finished he stood towering above the shivering, young woman. "So, who's the boss now Piggy Wiggy?" he said. Then he raced into the night. Patsy lay on the ground, trembling in fear and pain, as blood trickled onto her thighs and pooled on the cobblestones. She reached out her bruised arms and pulled herself upright, leaning against the wall."I've got to get to my room," she muttered to herself. She picked up her coat and bag and began to hobble unsteadily towards her Hall of Residence. She walked with nervous, jerky steps until she reached the safety of her room. Inside, she locked the door and ripped off her violated clothes. Then she staggered over to her wash-basin and filled it with hot water. Picking up her hairbrush she dipped it in the water and soaped it up. Then she scrubbed every part of her body, until her skin was red and raw, as she tried to wash away the pervasive, foul odour of Damien Brown. [too many sentences starting with "then"]When she'd finished Patsy threw herself onto her bed and wrapped the comforting blanket around herself. She stared dry-eyed at the ceiling but as the memory of the dreadful rape invaded her thoughts, she began to sob. Soon tears were streaming down her face[.] "Why, oh why did this happen to me[?]" she whispered into the silent room.Is this a bit over the top? Nope!