I have proof read and made some changes thus, I need Feedback

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It was a wonderful day for both Isa and Aisha who came home from School. Isa is a student from Lincoln Knights High and as for Aisha who is a 7th grader who attended Whittier Middle School. Their story began somewhere in Lincoln when they see Aaron, an autistic student from Knights High School. 

Aaron was getting beat up by the two popular students, Andrew and Jimmy. Both Isa and Aisha ran up and they started to fight Them. After the bullies gotten beat up, they to run like cowards. Andrew and Jimmy than told Aaron, “we will get you later!” Who are they Isa asked they are bullies who refused to leave me alone. Aisha looked at Aaron said my name is Aisha, and this is Isa, my brother. Than Isa remember that student with Autism. Wait, I know you... Isa asked are you that student That every Teachers, Paras, and students who wants a piece of you Aaron, right? Yes, that is my name, it’s Aaron he said. 

do you want to join us? Join? What do you mean? We are going to start a Group... I will be the President of the Group and as for Aisha, she will be the CEO. So, do you still want to Join?  Yes, he said. Than Isa replied back we are planning on building a Headquarters in our backyard and we be called the Tumeh Family. why the Tumeh Family? Aaron asked because my sister and I wanted to start up a group that will we are all welcome like a one big family.

Note: this is a PURE FICTION Novel

secondly, I gave the Isa and Aisha my last name, Tumeh

Trina Isa means Jesus in Arabic

like I said before I just proof read and made some changes :)

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Comments

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius Lulu Genius

    It still needs looking at by someone who understands the use of English.

    Isa can mean Jesus in many ancient languages. I think Trina is a Scandinavian name.

  • The_Chosen_One88The_Chosen_One88 Author Author
    edited December 2018
    sorry, for that I meant Trivia oops lol
    okay your right :smile:

  • The_Chosen_One88The_Chosen_One88 Author Author
    edited December 2018
    I just did some revised
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    It was a wonderful day for both Isa and Aisha who came home from School. Isa is a student from Lincoln Knights High and as for Aisha who is a 7th grader from Whittier Middle School. Their story began somewhere in Lincoln when they see Aaron, an autistic student from Knights High School. 

    Aaron was getting beat up by the two popular students, Andrew and Jimmy. Both Isa and Aisha ran up and they started to fighting both Andrew and Jimmy. After the bullies gotten beat up, they to run like cowards nevertheless, Andrew and Jimmy than told Aaron, “we will get you later!” Who are they? Isa asked they are bullies who refused to leave me alone. Aisha look at Aaron and she told him my name is Aisha, and this is  my Older brother name Isa. Than Isa remember Aaron. Wait, I know you... Isa said. are you Aaron? Yes, that is my name, it’s Aaron he said. 

    do you want to join us? Join? What do you mean? We are Planning to start a Group... I will become the President of the Group and as for Aisha, she will be the Vice President. So, do you still want to join us?  Yes, he said. Than Isa replied back we are planning on building a headquarters in our backyard and we be called the Tumeh Family. why the Tumeh Family? Aaron asked because my sister and I wanted to start up a group that will we are all welcome people like a one big family.The_Chosen_One88 said:

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    It was a wonderful day for both Isa and Aisha who came home from School. Isa is a student from Lincoln Knights High and as for Aisha who is a 7th grader who attended Whittier Middle School. Their story began somewhere in Lincoln when they see Aaron, an autistic student from Knights High School. 

    Aaron was getting beat up by the two popular students, Andrew and Jimmy. Both Isa and Aisha ran up and they started to fight Them. After the bullies gotten beat up, they to run like cowards. Andrew and Jimmy than told Aaron, “we will get you later!” Who are they Isa asked they are bullies who refused to leave me alone. Aisha looked at Aaron said my name is Aisha, and this is Isa, my brother. Than Isa remember that student with Autism. Wait, I know you... Isa asked are you that student That every Teachers, Paras, and students who wants a piece of you Aaron, right? Yes, that is my name, it’s Aaron he said. 

    do you want to join us? Join? What do you mean? We are going to start a Group... I will be the President of the Group and as for Aisha, she will be the CEO. So, do you still want to Join?  Yes, he said. Than Isa replied back we are planning on building a Headquarters in our backyard and we be called the Tumeh Family. why the Tumeh Family? Aaron asked because my sister and I wanted to start up a group that will we are all welcome like a one big family.

    Note: this is a PURE FICTION Novel

    secondly, I gave the Isa and Aisha my last name, Tumeh

    Trina Isa means Jesus in Arabic

    like I said before I just proof read and made some changes :)


  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor Professor
    You need someone else to edit your story. The problem with an author editing their own work is that it is very, very hard for them to recognize where things have gone wrong. For instance, if an author thinks that "many cat are make goodly pets" is a correctly written sentence when they first wrote it, it is unlikely that they will fix it later.

    As some of the others in this thread have pointed out, you have many issues with grammar, punctuation, etc. and I think you have a hard time recognizing these. You need someone to go over your story with an independent, objective, knowledgeable eye. There is nothing at all wrong with doing this: even the best authors in the world benefit from having an objective editor vet their work.
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • okay, than I just try very best and I agree with you 

  • The_Chosen_One88The_Chosen_One88 Author Author
    edited December 2018


    It was a wonderful day for both Isa and Aisha who came home from School. Isa is a student from Lincoln Knights High and as for Aisha who is a 7th grader from Whittier Middle School. Their story began somewhere in Lincoln when they saw Aaron, an autistic student from Knights High School. 

    Aaron was getting beat up by the two popular students. Andrew and Jimmy. Both Isa and Aisha ran up and they started to fight the two bullies nevertheless, they to run away like cowards, therefore, Andrew and Jimmy have told Aaron, we will get you later. Isa asked Aaron who are they? they are bullies who refused to leave me alone. Aisha looked at Aaron and she says hello my name is Aisha, and this is my older brother name Isa. Than Isa remembered Aaron. Wait, I know you... Isa asked are you Aaron? Yes, that's my name he said. 

    do you want to join us? Aaron questioned what do you mean? We are planning to start a Group... I am the President of the Group and as for Aisha, she will be the Vice President as well. So, do you still want to join us?  Yes, he said. Than Isa replied back we are planning on building a headquarters in our backyard and we are called the Tumeh Family. Aaron asked why called it the Tumeh Family? because my sister and I wanted to start up a Group that will welcome all people like a one big family 

  • Skoob_ymSkoob_ym Teacher Teacher
    Abd, I think it is an improvement.

    I see that you are beginning to understand paragraphs, and that is good. Also, you are pacing the story better. But there is still room to improve more.

    Here is how dialog (two or three people talking) should go:

    Isa asked Aaron, "Who are they?"

    "They are bullies who refused to leave me alone."
     
    Aisha looked at Aaron and she said, "hello my name is Aisha, and this is my older brother name Isa."

    Then Isa remembered Aaron. "Wait, I know you," Isa asked. "Are you Aaron?"

    "Yes, that's my name," he said. 


    "Do you want to join us?"

    Aaron asked "What do you mean?"

    "We are planning to start a Group... I am the President of the Group and as for Aisha, she will be the Vice President as well. So, do you still want to join us?"

    "Yes," he said.

    Then Isa replied "We are planning on building a headquarters in our backyard and we are called the Tumeh Family."

    Aaron asked "Why is it called the Tumeh Family?"

    "Because my sister and I wanted to start up a Group that will welcome all people like a one big family."


    So, what I have done here -- I've made a new paragraph for you when each person speaks. This makes it easier for the reader to understand that a different person is speaking.

    Remember that once before we talked about how the more you read, the better you will write. I think you wanted to read the Narnia books by C. S. Lewis. Those are great books, and I think you will enjoy them.

    You are correct that Isa means Jesus in Arabic. Sometimes it is spelled Issa. The Muslims call Him an important prophet who did many miracles. Christians believe that He was much more than a prophet.
  • Thank you yes, I still need to improve this story as soon as possible thank you ever so much for your patients. it more hard on me than anyone else :) 
  • Skoob_ymSkoob_ym Teacher Teacher
    You're making progress. Slowly but surely, Abd.
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius Lulu Genius
    It was a wonderful day for both Isa and Aisha who (when they(?)) came home from School. Isa is a student from Lincoln Knights High and as for Aisha is a 7th grader from Whittier Middle School. Their story began somewhere in Lincoln when they saw Aaron, an autistic student from Knights High School. 

    Aaron was getting beat(en) up by the two popular students. (where at? you have named 3 schools, or is Knights Lincoln Knights?) Andrew and Jimmy. Both Isa and Aisha ran up and they started to fight the two bullies nevertheless, they to(o) run away like cowards, (who did? you say they too) therefore, Andrew and Jimmy have told Aaron, (when? as they run away?) we will get you later. Isa asked Aaron who are they? (You have already named them, so Isa and Aisha must already know who they are?) they are bullies who refused to leave me alone.
    Aisha looked at Aaron and she says, "hello my name is Aisha, and this is my older brother name Isa."
     Then Isa remembered Aaron. "Wait, I know you..."  Isa (next) asked, "are you Aaron"
    "Yes, that's my name," he said. 

    (Well, that's just a fast edit, and anyway, speech has been covered Skoob)

    Do you want to join us? Aaron questioned what do you mean? We are planning to start a Group... I am the President of the Group and as for Aisha, she will be the Vice President as well. So, do you still want to join us?  Yes, he said. Than Isa replied back we are planning on building a headquarters in our backyard and we are called the Tumeh Family. Aaron asked why called it the Tumeh Family? because my sister and I wanted to start up a Group that will welcome all people like a one big family 

    (Why are you using your own name in the story?)
  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor Professor

    Aaron was getting beat(en) up by the two popular students. (where at? you have named 3 schools, or is Knights Lincoln Knights?) 
    I have been wondering about that name, too. "Lincoln Knights" sounds like the name of a team playing for Lincoln High School rather than the name of a school itself.
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • I agree I am not going use that high school name  keeping this on hold for now until I can make changing 
  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor Professor
    Everything you write can be used to practice writing. Never hit "send" or "post" on anything, even a one-sentence comment to an online forum, without reading it first. This will develop into a habit that will stand you in good stead. 
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius Lulu Genius

    I looked up Whittier Middle School, and it's a real school. Avoid the names of actual places (and people) when writing fiction.

    I am wondering if you actually write the way you talk?

  • here is the advantages and disadvantages

    Advantages

    You are able to visit your setting and take notes on various details that can help bring the setting to life for the readers. These details do not need to be limited to the physical setting, but can also include notable incidents (in the eyes of the narrator/viewpoint character, of course) that occurred at the school or people who attended/worked at the school. If it's a school you've attended or are attending, then you are also able to draw on your own experiences there. Using an actual secondary school can also help make your details more concrete, as you might be more aware of specific details to use.

    Disadvantages

    Because you are using an actual place, people will be able to know when you adjust details to tell a better story or get details wrong. And these details people will nitpick over will include not just the depiction of the setting, but also the events and people described in the story. Depending on the school, you might find a treasure trove of information to use as setting and character research for the time period the story takes place in or you might find little to nothing at all. Plus, you may find yourself feeling constrained in what you can write about as you include actual people and events related to the school. You'll also have to be careful in your depictions, as presenting too negative a depiction of the school or actual people could be construed as libel. 


    I NEVER USE REAL PEOPLE NAMES. so, I am stuck what to do than 


  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius Lulu Genius
    here is the advantages and disadvantages

    Advantages

    You are able to visit your setting and take notes on various details that can help bring the setting to life for the readers.

    True, as inspiration, not to use an establishment's name. They may object to you doing so.

     These details do not need to be limited to the physical setting, but can also include notable incidents (in the eyes of the narrator/viewpoint character, of course) that occurred at the school or people who attended/worked at the school.

    Yes, but still not using real names, or in fact, anyway that a reader may identify themselves, and object (or even sue you!)

     If it's a school you've attended or are attending, then you are also able to draw on your own experiences there. Using an actual secondary school can also help make your details more concrete, as you might be more aware of specific details to use.

    As inspiration only.

    These on a Copyright page may stop people suing writers >>

    https://www.thebookdesigner.com/2010/01/6-copyright-page-disclaimers-and-giving-credit/

    Disadvantages

    Because you are using an actual place, people will be able to know when you adjust details to tell a better story or get details wrong.

    What does that matter in fiction? As long as you don't use the names of real places and people. 'Based on' is an often used phrase.

     And these details people will nitpick over will include not just the depiction of the setting, but also the events and people described in the story.

    Is this advice to do with fiction?

     Depending on the school, you might find a treasure trove of information to use as setting and character research for the time period the story takes place in or you might find little to nothing at all.

    Quite so. Life can give us stories and inspiration. How is that a disadvantage? Would be amazing if there was nothing at all!

     Plus, you may find yourself feeling constrained in what you can write about as you include actual people and events related to the school. You'll also have to be careful in your depictions, as presenting too negative a depiction of the school or actual people could be construed as libel.

    Indeed. 


    I NEVER USE REAL PEOPLE NAMES. so, I am stuck what to do than 

    You are using your own Surname. But you are stuck with what?

  • nevermind, I going to change everything in this book
  • Skoob_ymSkoob_ym Teacher Teacher
    Abd,

    Write the story your way.

    So long as you don't say anything bad about real places, it's okay to mention them. It's not okay with real people unless they're very famous, and even then you have to be careful, so I wouldn't use real people. But real places are okay.
  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor Professor
    “These on a Copyright page may stop people suing writers >>

    https://www.thebookdesigner.com/2010/01/6-copyright-page-disclaimers-and-giving-credit/

    Maybe. But in the case of copyright giving credit is no substitute for asking permission.

    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor Professor
    Skoob_ym said:
    Abd,

    Write the story your way.

    So long as you don't say anything bad about real places, it's okay to mention them. It's not okay with real people unless they're very famous, and even then you have to be careful, so I wouldn't use real people. But real places are okay.
    This is very good advice!
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • Isa & Aisha are not real, they are "Fictional Character" in which I gave them my surname. now I am planning on removing all surnames from these fictional characters

    I NEVER USE REAL PEOPLE because it is as you are asking for trouble, no this  100% Fictional thank you for your concern 
  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor Professor
    edited December 2018
    nevermind, I going to change everything in this book
    You probably don't need to do that. You are off to a pretty good start: you have characters who sound like they might be interesting and you have set up a situation that also sounds very interesting.

    I think the main thing you should do is take your time telling your story. There is no need to be in any kind of hurry to tell what is happening. Let your readers get to know your characters and let them get a feeling about where and when the story is taking place. Set the stage, as it were. But mainly, just take your time.

    One important thing to remember is that there really are no hard and fast rules about how to write or what makes a good story. As the pirate said in Pirates of the Caribbean when asked about rules pirates have to obey: "They are more like guidelines." It's the same thing here. What your friends in this forum suggest aren't rules that must be obeyed because they are set in stone, they are really just guidelines. They are usually good ideas and worth listening to, but by the same token you shouldn't think that your writing is bad or wrong just because some criticizes it or finds some mistakes. Everyone has to start somewhere. No one sits down and becomes a good writer---let alone a great one---with the very first sentence they create. It takes work and time. 

    But it's worth it! Don't get discouraged!
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius Lulu Genius

    I NEVER USE REAL PEOPLE NAMES. so, I am stuck what to do than 

    I think you misunderstood me. I mean don't use the names of people that you know or know you. Make them up, such as Fred Harbuttle.

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius Lulu Genius

    Maybe. But in the case of copyright giving credit is no substitute for asking permission.

    True. But I would avoid, for example, linking a real school with the activities of bullies, though. They don't like it nowadays, unlike this old fiction >> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Brown's_School_Days

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius Lulu Genius

    But it's worth it! Don't get discouraged!

    Indeed! And don't worry about publishing it, just write for fun, until people you give it to to read suggest it's ready.

  • The_Chosen_One88The_Chosen_One88 Author Author
    edited December 2018
    Two thousand dying years ago in a great Kingdom known as Bethlehem. The unknown land formerly remained a glorious kingdom merely known for its political knowledge and political power. Maryam and her beloved husband Aldwin live peacefully in a small village outside of Bethlehem. Aldwin age twenty-eight years old, and he was a high ranking Knight for Bethlehem’s Army. However, outside of the Kingdom in the southeast region of the Kingdom call Dajjal gain fifty Kingdoms while Bethlehem gain sixty-four allies.

    new novel
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius Lulu Genius

    Two thousand dying

    Dying? In what way?

     years ago

    Not 2,018? (almost 2,019.)

     in a great Kingdom known as Bethlehem.

    In reality it was a village.

     The unknown land

    Unknown? How do we know of it then? (First record of it is apparently from 1400 BC.)

     formerly remained a glorious kingdom merely known for its political knowledge and political power.

    What? the village of Bethlehem? Are you writing an Alternative History novel?  it was within the Kingdom of Judah apparently.

    Maryam and her beloved husband Aldwin live peacefully in a small village outside of Bethlehem. Aldwin age twenty-eight years old, and he was a high ranking Knight for Bethlehem’s Army. However, outside of the Kingdom in the southeast region of the Kingdom call Dajjal gain fifty Kingdoms while Bethlehem gain sixty-four allies.

    You have to take in to account what constitutes a village, town or city. Even now Bethlehem only as 27,000 inhabitants.

  • fictional world I created... never mind....
  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor Professor
    IThe_Chosen_One88 said:
    fictional world I created... never mind....
    That’s what I thought you had done, since everything but the names were obviously made up. But people might be confused if you use place names that are too familiar. That’s easy to fix, though. Just invent your own names. That’s fun to do.
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius Lulu Genius

    You can get away with creating alternative histories or even realties about some real places, but it helps if the story also contains actual facts about them. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alternate_history

    http://mentalfloss.com/article/54464/what-if-19-alternate-histories-imagining-very-different-world

    https://www.sfsite.com/~silverag/greatwar.html

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