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FEEDBACK REQUEST (1071 words)

"Would you keep reading" is my big question, plus whatever you care to share about why you would or wouldn't. The excerpt quoted comes about a quarter of the way through the novel, Promise.
With many thanks.
Joe "Bondi" Beach
With many thanks.
Joe "Bondi" Beach
[CONTEXT: The narrator, Michael, is a youngish American diplomat posted to the embassy in an un-named country south of the U.S He's out on the town with the daughter of a political and industrial heavyweight and her tennis partner following a charity match.]
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Stephen's turned out to be an old-fashioned supper club. We'd had supper, but the girls were ready for a snack. The soft music from the orchestra in a pit at the front of the room and the low-key singer on stage left everyone kind of relaxed. There wouldn't be any hip-hop here tonight.
Stephen's turned out to be an old-fashioned supper club. We'd had supper, but the girls were ready for a snack. The soft music from the orchestra in a pit at the front of the room and the low-key singer on stage left everyone kind of relaxed. There wouldn't be any hip-hop here tonight.
The cutlery was heavy stainless steel, the table coverings linen, and the serving staff unobtrusive but very attentive. I wondered how far we were going tonight. After all, I'd met Aída today for the first time and this was only the second time I'd been out with Alejandra. Sharing in some fashion was on the agenda, but what form that might take wasn't really clear to me at all. Aída made the first move.
"Dance with me, Michael?"
I couldn't help but look at Alejandra. Her smile said it was OK.
"I'd love to."
Aída was as light on her feet as she was on the tennis court. I'm coordinated enough not to step on anyone's toes but I'll never get very far in any kind of dance contest. We moved easily and I didn't try to lead, I didn't have to because Aída was making me look good just by staying in my arms. After a few gentle rotations on the dance floor in the middle of enough people so that we didn't feel lonely, she moved close enough for me to detect the soap she'd used and her shampoo, as well as a perfume I couldn't identify.
When the music stopped Aída didn't rush to let me go. She turned her face up for a kiss, and when I aimed for her cheek she turned and I kissed her on the mouth. It was a light kiss, a friendly kiss, but it was more than a peck and I think we both enjoyed it. I know I did.
Alejandra was waiting when I escorted Aída back to the table. She rose and held out her hands and I said "Yes" with my eyes and led her onto the dance floor. I don't know how much she'd seen of me and Aída, although I discovered later it didn't matter since the two of them had discussed me and the evening and their plans before we'd gotten started.
Once in my arms Alejandra whispered in my ear.
"Did you kiss her?"
I pulled back to look at her, the laughter in her eyes.
"I did. Like this." I kissed her cheek.
"Is that all?"
"No."
I pulled Alejandra closer to me, not caring at this point whether she noticed my erection or not. "Like this," and I kissed her on the mouth and didn't rush.
"Good."
With that Alejandra put her head on my shoulder and we moved easily to the music. She was as light on her feet as Aída was, and I had my strategy—stay out of her way and follow along.
Toward the end of the number Alejandra lifted her head and looked at me.
"I like you."
I smiled. It didn't need a reply, at least I didn't think it did.
"Aída does too," she added.
"I like you, Alex, and Aída."
"Good."
With that she led me back to the table.
It must have been closing in on two in the morning before we returned to Alejandra's compound. Aída was staying over, so the two girls left me there. But not without very affectionate good-bye hugs and kisses.
Alejandra's body was warm and a little sweaty against me. I hoped we were out of sight of Carlos at least, and out of sight of the security cameras on the corners of the main house, although we probably weren't. With any luck at all they didn't pick up the slight but very deliberate movements Alejandra made against me as we kissed and she rutted slowly on me.
Aída wasn't quite as obvious or as deliberate in her rubbing, but her hug was warm and her kiss hot. When we broke our kiss she handed me back to Alejandra. I had a flash image of a tennis ball at the mercy of two very skilled players.
"I had a good time tonight, Michael." Alejandra kissed me again.
"Me, too, Alex. Thank you for inviting me."
I started to pull my phone out to summon a taxi to take me back to the Lawn Tennis Club for my car when Carlos spoke. He'd been nearer to us than I'd thought.
"Mlle Alejandra has asked me to drive you back to the club, don Miguel."
"Thank you, don Carlos."
It turned out Carlos had a message of his own to deliver. Or perhaps a message from Monsieur M.
"I have known Mlle Alejandra since she was a baby, don Miguel."
I nodded. It wasn't hard to guess what was coming.
"She is very precious to me. Almost as precious to me as she is to her parents, you understand?"
I nodded again. "I understand perfectly, don Carlos. Perfectly."
I put on my most earnest face. I didn't want Carlos as an enemy at all. If I could get him on my side, so much the better.
"I have had the honor of knowing her for only two weeks, don Carlos, and I will be forever grateful to Monsieur M for introducing me to her and to her mother." I wanted Carlos to remember I'd been invited into the family circle by the big guy himself. I thought it unlikely he would have an agenda different from that of his boss but this was one way of finding out.
"I know, don Miguel, and I will be the first to acknowledge you have been a perfect gentleman."
We had arrived at the club, and I stepped out of the vehicle. Carlos held the door open. I extended my hand. "Thank you, don Carlos. It has been a pleasure, and I am very grateful for your comments. I look forward to seeing you again."
Carlos looked not entirely in agreement, but he took my hand.
"Thank you, don Miguel. It has been my pleasure."
There was no doubt in my mind he would report everything to Monsieur M. I could only hope his report was going to be a positive one.
When I walked into my apartment the message light on my phone was flashing. The message was short and clear.
"See me first thing Monday morning, Michael."
The ambassador hung up.
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Comments
A good read, though with the direction it's heading, it could easily turn pornographic. Make sure that your brain is doing the typing and plotting, not other parts.
One must also remember that public security in an unnamed country may be less than in a named country.
In general, well-written, and well-plotted thus far.
My Books:
https://voidwheretaxed.wixsite.com/rockandfirepress/about
I'm not sure what "public security in an unnamed country may be less than in a named country" means. Carlos is in fact a bodyguard (for dad or daughter, as needed) as well as a driver, but that's common in this un-named country for the elite, or for anyone with the means to be a target.
Thanks again,
JBB
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/kevinlomas
JBB
No plot with a few random passages connecting all the sex with absolutely no aesthetic or emotive qualities would qualify it as porn.
So far looks like a decent piece of work. Would I read further, that would depend on the day and my interest at the moment. I've had days I was so pressed for time I brushed my teeth with capsaicin cream, because I grabbed the wrong tube and didn't read the label.
R.F.G. Cameron a.k.a. Sphinx
My work can be found at:
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/antiqua_sphingehttps://www.amazon.com/-/e/B00DDZJOT2
https://antiquasphinge.wixsite.com/booksThanks for taking a look at it and for your comments. I'm hoping the plot carries the day.
JBB
I don't mean to sound prudish. In my latest story, there is a very strong implication that several of my characters are less than chaste (and one or two of them, when "chaste," didn't run very fast).
So long as you assured me that the main plot point is not the sexual aspect, I would probably read this book.
Your writing style is excellent, and your character has a strong "voice" -- that is, we are able to visualize him and imagine him based on how he tells us his tale. There is nothing mechanically wrong with the writing, you seem to have a plot in mind, and you've given us interesting characters. It's very good thus far.
The comment about "unnamed countries" was merely to bring up the tendency towards violent crime in that region, an unfortunate aspect of some otherwise lovely countries. But you seem to have already considered the question of security.
My Books:
https://voidwheretaxed.wixsite.com/rockandfirepress/about
The bodyguard thing is, in the context of this society, pretty routine. It's not the wild west, and there are no gunfights in the streets (in this story, at least), but rich folks take precautions, that's all. In other words, Carlos is practically part of the scenery, although he has some important parts to play later on. Overall, it's a pretty pleasant place and Michael is delighted to be posted there.
For those who are gluttons for punishment, Promise is on Lulu (and elsewhere) and 50 or so pages, the first five chapters, are posted as a free preview. Be guided by the keywords. It's classified as Erotica and the sex is important, but there is in fact a non-sexual plot, albeit one that involves emotional commitment.
I'm also re-reading it critically and revising, which is my main motive for posting this request for feedback. Oh, and don't be put off by the reclining nude on the cover. Titian wasn't, and we shouldn't be, either.
Thanks again,
JBB
The erotic element aside, the tension here is near perfect. I personally like it when the sexual undertones are downplayed (leaving more to the reader's imagination) but I can also see ample plot reasons why this piece of the story might require being more overt.
I think the most important thing is that we all feel like each and every character we meet (five in this short segment) has an agenda. That creates a sense of tension and imminent conflict that can drive the story forward.
Thanks for sharing!
"[N]o matter how well 'porn' is written, it is still porn."
We all know it when we see it, as the saying goes.
It'll be up to the reader to judge.
JBB
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/kevinlomas
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/kevinlomas
One rule of thumb I've seen used is if the sexual activity comprises 10% or less of the work and the rest is well-plotted with characters that a reader can empathize with, you're likely good.
My take is that if the sex comes across like the technical aspects of flying a P-40 Warhawk as found in an old 'Dash 1' manual, it quickly goes from humorous to monotonous. Might be why none of the guys I used to work with ever invited me over for 'movie' night a second time.
R.F.G. Cameron a.k.a. Sphinx
My work can be found at:
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/antiqua_sphingehttps://www.amazon.com/-/e/B00DDZJOT2
https://antiquasphinge.wixsite.com/booksI guess you gotta find the right audience.
PS. Make an exceptional cover, not Harlequin style and not old school. Think sexy but sharp and cool.
JBB
You can take a public domain oil painting. Or picture and make it cool.
See attached thumbnail covers I downloaded from Amazon.ca.
Other cool covers:
I admit I thought briefly about this one below, Frida Kahlo in "pistolera" costume, except that it (a) it is not in the public domain even if it's all over the internet, and (b) doesn't have much if anything to do with the story, and (c) is a total cliché (which was intentional, of course).
Thanks for sending these covers along.
JBB
Write one paragraph to make the image usable and relevant. Even if it's just a wish or stream of consciousness.... A dream.
And you can look for and buy the image. I once paid 100 for a cover image. It is now my bestselling book. So worth it. The cover is crucial.
R.F.G. Cameron a.k.a. Sphinx
My work can be found at:
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/antiqua_sphingehttps://www.amazon.com/-/e/B00DDZJOT2
https://antiquasphinge.wixsite.com/booksI would not class it as sexy or cool, but it is classed as art so the nudity is accepted.
Perhaps the above is a more modern rendition? Note that she's not fully naked at all, but is perhaps far sexier?
Right audience, for sure.
Now you have me puzzled as to what you class as porn.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/kevinlomas
Thanks for the tips.
JBB
I doubt the women in your story have a unibrow. I personally don't enjoy looking at it on men or women. And your goal is to sell. Most people think like me. A unibrow is not in these days.
It is nonsense, but a unibrow is classed with low intelligence, and those who have one usually shave it off anyway.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/kevinlomas
Gratuitous Frida image attached. She looks pretty cute.
JBB
Hot art, Kevin . 😉
Thank you Maggie. I do have many more on 'respectable' Print (art) On Demand sites, and no one has ever objected to them. I assume they too class them as art
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/kevinlomas
No way! Frida without the unibrow? Wouldn't be Frida. Like Diego Rivera without a belly.
Well unless your story is about her, then it's irrelevant how much she gets photoshopped, in fact if such an image is used it would be best to make sure she cannot be recognised.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/kevinlomas