First book

Hi everyone, i'm about to write my first book a plot i've been cooking up for almost 10 years, and i wanted to show at least a part of it so you guys can tell me if im heading into the right direction as far as the writing goes, any advice can help me, also bear in mind that english is not in fact my first language it was more of an autodidact effort and i wanted to write the book in english because it would be more of a challenge, but i'm rambling too much. The next part is a dream sequence in which a main character sees a future event with other main characters: 

 

She was on her knees watching with terror and awe the scenery, the vast blue and bright sky couldn't completely reveal the shapes around her, everything and everyone seemed like a blur.

Stone giants with thousands of reflecting eyes were guarding vigilant without moving  or even noticing her, like her existence didn't even mattered, monsters made of metal with various sizes, forms and colors were on fire and yet they didn't made a sound, the bodies of hundreds lying in different positions extended as far as the eye could see. And on the center was a shadow, the obscure shape of a person, standing, watching the scene raising his arms like this was the presentation of a macabre show welcoming the audience. The silence was abrupted by a deep laughter, something in that laugh paralyzed her, the desire of running as far away as she could started emerging at that moment, but her legs wouldn't answer any commands and the shaking on the tip of her fingers spreaded throughout her entire body.

As the shadow turned around, facing her, she noticed the entire shape of the monster, he was wearing the royal captains clothes: a black long coat with wide lapel, shoulder capes and a hood, she tried to see beyond that hood, seeing if at least could recognize the face of this demon, yet she couldn't see anything under it, only darkness, while the shadow started walking in her direction, she tried screaming for help but it made no difference, no sound could be heard and it was getting closer to her with ever second, as the only sound that now could only be heard was her own heartbeat, beating more violently with every step of the monster until it stopped right in front of her, they both were gazing at each other, trying to uncover their intentions, a tear started flowing through her face and yet, she was not the one crying, she couldn't help feel sorrow for this killer.

As the figure started reaching  her hand towards her revealing a ebony claw gauntlet dripping with blood, thats when the panick started again, she wanted to say that he didn't have to do this, and yet still the hand reached her, as she started feeling the cold sensation of the wet metal hand clasping tight on her neck, each passing moment with more strenght as the blood of the gauntlet ran through her neck, the terror settled in as she couldn't breath anymore, realizing this was the end , the lack of air, was making her dizzy, she was feeling her own demise as a loud shriek echoed in the distance that made the shadow loosen his grip on her, he turned around to see his new victim and suddenly the hand released her, she tried making sense on what was going on, the only thing she was able to see was while falling to the ground, was what it looked like a giant majestic bird with golden wings and a crown of fire floating on his head charging against the shadow,while they collided a flash of red stuck her eyes , and the maniacal laughter of the demon echoing in her ears, her head struck the ground and eveything turned into a pitch dark..

Comments


  • Darkwolfgang wrote:

    Hi everyone, i'm about to write my first book a plot i've been cooking up for almost 10 years, and i wanted to show at least a part of it so you guys can tell me if im heading into the right direction as far as the writing goes, any advice can help me, also bear in mind that english is not in fact my first language it was more of an autodidact effort and i wanted to write the book in english because it would be more of a challenge, but i'm rambling too much. The next part is a dream sequence in which a main character sees a future event with other main characters: 

     

    She was on her knees watching with terror and awe the scenery, the vast blue and bright sky couldn't completely reveal the shapes around her, everything and everyone seemed like a blur.

    Stone giants with thousands of reflecting eyes were guarding vigilant without moving  or even noticing her, like her existence didn't even mattered, monsters made of metal with various sizes, forms and colors were on fire and yet they didn't made a sound, the bodies of hundreds lying in different positions extended as far as the eye could see. And on the center was a shadow, the obscure shape of a person, standing, watching the scene raising his arms like this was the presentation of a macabre show welcoming the audience. The silence was abrupted by a deep laughter, something in that laugh paralyzed her, the desire of running as far away as she could started emerging at that moment, but her legs wouldn't answer any commands and the shaking on the tip of her fingers spreaded throughout her entire body.

    As the shadow turned around, facing her, she noticed the entire shape of the monster, he was wearing the royal captains clothes: a black long coat with wide lapel, shoulder capes and a hood, she tried to see beyond that hood, seeing if at least could recognize the face of this demon, yet she couldn't see anything under it, only darkness, while the shadow started walking in her direction, she tried screaming for help but it made no difference, no sound could be heard and it was getting closer to her with ever second, as the only sound that now could only be heard was her own heartbeat, beating more violently with every step of the monster until it stopped right in front of her, they both were gazing at each other, trying to uncover their intentions, a tear started flowing through her face and yet, she was not the one crying, she couldn't help feel sorrow for this killer.

    As the figure started reaching  her hand towards her revealing a ebony claw gauntlet dripping with blood, thats when the panick started again, she wanted to say that he didn't have to do this, and yet still the hand reached her, as she started feeling the cold sensation of the wet metal hand clasping tight on her neck, each passing moment with more strenght as the blood of the gauntlet ran through her neck, the terror settled in as she couldn't breath anymore, realizing this was the end , the lack of air, was making her dizzy, she was feeling her own demise as a loud shriek echoed in the distance that made the shadow loosen his grip on her, he turned around to see his new victim and suddenly the hand released her, she tried making sense on what was going on, the only thing she was able to see was while falling to the ground, was what it looked like a giant majestic bird with golden wings and a crown of fire floating on his head charging against the shadow,while they collided a flash of red stuck her eyes , and the maniacal laughter of the demon echoing in her ears, her head struck the ground and eveything turned into a pitch dark..


    You did a good job: there is some nice description and some nice setting of mood.

     

    But it's a little hard to tell what you are after. Should I make allowances for grammar, spelling, word usage and punctuation and just comment on the story itself? Since you say that English is not your first language (and I give you full credit for making the effort to write in it!), it might be an oversight on my part to not comment on these errors. What may be simply a typo for one author may be something you do consistently. In any case, there are so many of these problems that it is virtually impossible to overlook them while reading.

     

    I would suggest very, very strongly that you have someone familiar with the English language go over your story carefully before you post it again. You are going to need to do this before you would ever think of publishing your book and selling it, siince you cannot ask readers to make allowances for your inexperience with writing in English.

  • I'm going to second what Ron has said, and then add two things that are more specific:

     

    1.) Slow down. This exposition is moving past us in a blur. Metal bodies, manaical laughter, a cape -- imagine it as a move scene. It would all be a flash of images. Take it one step at a time. She saw this that and the other, full stop. There were this, and that, and the other, full stop. In the distance was something else, full stop. Paragraph. and so forth.

     

    The reader needs a moment or so to absorb all the information. Your goal, especially at the very beginning, is to captuer the readers mind and then lead it through the tale. So my first advice is to slow down the tale a bit, so that the reader can engage with it and be drawn into it.

     

    2.) Use full stops. You've got a lot a cascading run-on sentences. This happened and that happened and that happened and then this happened and that and and and and. I fall into this trap myself, especially in action scenes. I want the story to spill out, so I tend to keep sentences going until I've wrung every bit of activity out of them. But we can't do that. break the long sentences into smaller parts. We need for the reader to stop, breathe, and then move on.

     

    If we never give the reader a chance to breathe, they won't buy our books. They won't be able to. They'll go into the bookstore, start to read a page or so to see if they like it, and next thing they know, paramedics will be giving them oxygen because they passed out in the bookstore. But if we let them breathe, they won't pass out, and they'll buy the book. Or so we hope.

     

    I hope that that's helpful to you.

  • BTW, I'm going to take a guess that you might be either German or Austrian. I say this because the German language can have very long sentences with no breaks. One writer, James Thurber, joked about a German sentence that went on for pages and pages, and then finally came up for air on the other side of the Atlantic, with the verb in its teeth.

     

    English is not like this. From your autodidactic studies, you will have noticed that English sentences are shorter. This is not just a coincidence: It is how English works best.

     

    BTW, I applaud your autodidactic efforts. In general, your English is excellent, and I am a fan of autodidactic learning. As Homer said in the Odyssey: "I am self-taught; the muses have taught me."

  • "She was on her knees watching with terror and awe the scenery"

    A very common solecism - you have separated the object (the scenery) from its verb (watching) with an adverbial phrase (with terror and awe). Never do that. The rule is quite simple: never separate the object from its verb.

    Expect some counter-examples from forum members.  Smiley Wink

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