Can someone please review this( because I am trying the best I can)

 

 

                            Chapter one

                                                                   

 

 

 

      Ten years ago, In Summer hill lies behind a cruel and evil dictator name Jane. Jane was a wicked tyrant who also govern this city and as well the Island itself. There is a seven-year old boy name Pedro who had always dream of becoming a warrior and his older brother name Alejandro who was ten years older than him. Alejandro was tall and muscular. One night he was walking all alone that when he heard the ruthless dictator and her bodyguard Katrina who was secretly talking about her secret weapons of mass destruction in her secret base. Yet Alejandro quickly runaway from the scene of the crime. Nevertheless, Katrina was a loyal bodyguard of Jane first she spotted Alejandro.

Alejandro heard a gunfire from Soldiers. In addition, Jane told her foot soldiers to kill Alejandro yet, the hand is quicker than the eye because, he took out seventy men all at once and he finally made it home. When Jane found out that Alejandro escaped and went home. She orders her foot soldiers, to infiltrate every villages until they find Alejandro. At Pedro's house, Pedro’s father and Mother names Rick and Maria worried about Alejandro than Suddenly when Alejandro finally came home. He than told his family to leave the village at once. Why, we have to leave

Pedro asked. Because I just hear that Jane have chemical weapons, weapon of mass Destruction either, we leave now or I will… in addition, a fleet of soldiers appear. Oh crap, Alejandro said. Come out with your hands up now Alejandro, you have been eavesdropping did you but it is too late because you will die!

On the spot men, point you assault weapons at Alejandro. Then Katrina appear and said I will call the shots Ready... Aim… Fire… Stop it now you fat **bleep** porker! Pedro cried and as he interrupted Katrina command she stopped and said what did you just said kid, then she added I order everyone not to kill Alejandro but instead we are going to arrest Alejandro's brother. and we will let Jane handle this therefore, the foot soldiers had arrest Pedro and they left. Mom, Dad I am going to saved Pedro from Jane. But it is snowing how you are going to do this?

I am a warrior and I must saved my little brother's life. Alejandro who have his own clan of people they are Ace, Spade, Hearts, Jack, Queen and King These are the people are most powerful clan. in addition, they must infiltrate Jane’s Castle. The map said Summer Hill is that a big mountain top

Comments

  • This is better than what you have done before.

     

    I see the effort you are putting into this. What you may not realize is that people do not write the same way that they speak. When we tell a story to our friends, we say things quickly, and we run it all together.

     

    When we write a story down, we take our time and do it slowly.

  • This kind of "stream of consciousness" style is really challenging to pull off. I would follow Scoob's advice and work on making the story read fundamentally like a "normal" story for now, then try to rework the style after you've created a solid base.

  • I write a sort of stream of thoughts as they come to me, but then I spend months going over them to ensure they make sense and are a good read. That also includes correcting the English. (I would be ashamed to let any one read my first to tenth draft!)

     

    I am sorry, but this makes little sense and the English is poor  >>

     

    Ten years ago, In Summer hill lies behind a cruel and evil dictator name Jane. Jane was a wicked tyrant who also govern this city and as well the Island itself.

     

    And that's as far as I would read. writing is judged by the first few lines (and the blurb.)

  • Smiley Sadsoory it lied, not lies 

    Spoiler
     

     

  • I have to say that I have nothing but admiration for someone who makes a serious attempt to write in a language that is not native to them. No one would ever think that English was not the first language for Joseph Conrad or Vladimir Nabokov...but they also worked tirelessly to master the language. 

     

    I think you, too, need to keep working toward mastering English. You are off to a good start, but (and I can only be brutally honest here) you do have a long way to go. But keep persevering! You will get there yet!

  • thank you so much for telling the truth. as for the rest I WAS BORN IN AMERICA and Skoob thank you once again
  • But do you speak American?


  • AbdTumeh wrote:
    thank you so much for telling the truth. as for the rest I WAS BORN IN AMERICA and Skoob thank you once again

    I apologize for the assumption. On the other hand, this makes the terrible English in the story much less excusable.

     

    If English is in fact your native language, then you really do need to get some help---perhaps a teacher or student might be willing to act as a tutor. As it is, what you are writing is almost unintelligible.

  •  

     

     

     

     

     

    Ten years ago, In Summer hill their was an cruel and evil dictator named Jane. Jane, who also govern this island.

    There is also a seven-year old boy named Pedro, who had always dream of becoming a warrior and his older brother named Alejandro who was ten years older than him. Alejandro was tall and muscular man and  one night he was walking all alone when he heard the ruthless dictator and her bodyguard Katrina were secretly discussing about her secret weapons of mass destruction in her castle. Yet Alejandro heard everything and quickly runaway from the scene of the crime. Nevertheless, the bodyguard then seen Alejandro running away. Alejandro heard a gunfire from Jane's soldiers In addition, Jane told her foot soldiers to hunt down and kill Alejandro yet, the hand is quicker than the eye because, becasue he took out seventy men all at once and he finally made it home. When Jane found out that Alejandro escaped and went home She orders her foot soldiers, to infiltrate Jasmine village until they find Alejandro. At Pedro's house, Pedro’s parents names Rick and Maria worried about Alejandro than  suddenly Alejandro finally came home. He than told his family to leave the village at once. Why, we have to leave

    Pedro asked. Because I just heard that Jane have chemical weapon of mass Destruction called Sarin. Either, we leave now or I will… in addition, a fleet of soldiers appear. Oh crap, Alejandro said. Come out with your hands up now Alejandro, you are under arrest for eavesdropping and it is too late because you will be arrested!

    On the spot men, point out your assault rifles at Alejandro. Then Katrina appeared and said to the Soldiers. If you decided to run I will call the shots. then Alejandro fell on the ground.okay i will choose and you will died okay,  Ready... Aim… Fire… Stop it now you fat **bleep** porker! Pedro cried and as he interrupted Katrina then she stopped and said what did you just said kid, then she added I order everyone do not to kill or arrest Alejandro but instead we are going to arrest Pedro Alejandro's brother. and we will let Jane handle this therefore, the foot soldiers have arrest Pedro and they left. Mom, Dad. I am going to saved Pedro from Jane. But it is snowing how you are going to do this asked Rick.

    Alejandro told them he is a warrior and he must saved my little brother's life. Alejandro who have his own clan of people they are Ace, Spade, Hearts, Jack, Queen and King These are the people are most powerful clan. in addition, they must infiltrate Jane’s Castle. The map said Summer Hill has a big mountain top and their is a huge castle where Jane lived. One hour before Alejandro came climbing up with his friends; Pedro is lock up in a cell-block. Jane first met Pedro for the first time. kid, you think you have the nerves to escaped and you called my bodyguard a porker you idiot I, Jane will sentence you to life in prison. In Jasmine village that is about twenty miles away from the castle. I have a powerful weapon am I right. What? She explain that she have a deadly chemical called Sarin. Sarin, what in the hell is that? It is a chemical weapon you jackass she then pointed out a target like men attack Jasmine now. Um boss, what. The Sarin is in the basement! The foot soldier said way to go genius. She then pointed out her pistol and she shot him in the head as he fell off from the castle. Soldiers give me my damn Sarin now! Meanwhile Alejandro and his clan found the mountain top

  • Better. You've put in periods at the ends of sentences. That's a good start.

     

    Okay, let's try an experiment. Every time that the subject changes, even a little bit, put a blank line between the sentences. If you're not sure what I mean, just put a blank line after every fourth sentence for now.

     

    So:

     

    There is also a seven-year old boy named Pedro, who had always dream of becoming a warrior and his older brother named Alejandro who was ten years older than him.

     

    Alejandro was tall and muscular man and  one night he was walking all alone when he heard the ruthless dictator and her bodyguard Katrina were secretly discussing about her secret weapons of mass destruction in her castle. Yet Alejandro heard everything and quickly runaway from the scene of the crime. Nevertheless, the bodyguard then seen Alejandro running away. 

     

    Alejandro heard a gunfire from Jane's soldiers In addition, Jane told her foot soldiers to hunt down and kill Alejandro yet, the hand is quicker than the eye because, becasue he took out seventy men all at once and he finally made it home. When Jane found out that Alejandro escaped and went home She orders her foot soldiers, to infiltrate Jasmine village until they find Alejandro.

     

    At Pedro's house, Pedro’s parents names Rick and Maria worried about Alejandro than  suddenly Alejandro finally came home. He than told his family to leave the village at once.

     

    You can see how this separates the different things that are happening into paragraphs. This makes it easier to read. The reader's eye will get a bit of a break between the events.

     

    Now earlier, I said that you should slow the story down and tell it a little at a time. Here is an example:

     

    In addition, Jane told her foot soldiers to hunt down and kill Alejandro yet, the hand is quicker than the eye because, becasue he took out seventy men all at once and he finally made it home.

     

     

    Suppose that, instead of telling this in a single sentence, you told this over an entire page, or maybe even three or four pages. It might go like this:

     

    On Jane's orders, her foot soldiers streamed out of the building, hunting for Alejandro. But the hand is quicker than the eye.

     

    Alejandro hid in the darkness behind the statue. As the first soldier ran by, Alejandro stuck out his foot, tripping him. He struck his head on a rock and was unconscious. Alejandro took his gun and slipped back into the shadows...

     

    By telling the story slowly, and adding little details, you make the story more interesting. It becomes many tiny stories woven together into one big story. Maybe you might describe how Alejandro takes out four of five of the men, before having Alejandro find his way home.

     

    It takes patience to slow the story down like this, but that's the difference between telling a story out loud, to our friends, or writing it down. When we tell a story orally, we only have a few minutes to tell the story. In a book, you can take all the time you want and put in lots of good parts.

     

    But remember to add those blank lines whenever something new happens.

     

    Have fun!

  • here is a new updated and I hope I doing this right lol 


    Ten years ago, In Summer hill there was a cruel and evil dictator named Jane. Jane, who also govern this island.

     

    There is also a seven-year old boy named Pedro, who had always dream of becoming a warrior and his older brother named Alejandro who was ten years older than him. Alejandro was tall and muscular man and one night he was walking all

     

    Alone when he heard the ruthless dictator and her bodyguard named Katrina who were secretly discussing about her secret weapons of mass destruction in her castle. Yet Alejandro heard everything and quickly runaway from the scene of the crime.

     

    Nevertheless, the bodyguard then seen Alejandro running away. Alejandro and he heard a the sound of gunfire from Katrina In addition, Jane told her foot soldiers to hunt down and kill Alejandro yet, the hand is quicker than the eye because, he took out seventy men all at once with his martial art moves kicking every soldier's **bleep**

    But he now finally he made it home.

     

     

     

    When Jane found out that Alejandro escaped and went home She orders her foot soldiers, to infiltrate Jasmine village until they find Alejandro.

     

    At Pedro's house, Pedro’s parents names Rick and Maria worried about Alejandro than suddenly Alejandro finally came home.

     

    He than told his family to leave the village at once. Why, we have to leave Pedro asked. Because I just heard that Jane have the chemical weapon of mass Destruction called Sarin.

     

    Either, we leave now or I will… in addition, a fleet of soldiers appear. Oh crap, Alejandro said. Come out with your hands up now Alejandro, you are under arrest for eavesdropping and it is too late because you will are under arrest

    On the spot men, point out your assault rifles at Alejandro. Then Katrina appeared and said to the Soldiers.

     

    If you decided to run I will call the shots. then Alejandro fell on the ground. okay i will choose and you will died okay, Ready... Aim…FireStop it now you fat **bleep** porker!

     

    Pedro cried and as he interrupted Katrina then she stopped and said what did you just said kid, then she added I order everyone do not to kill or arrest Alejandro but instead we are going to arrest Pedro Alejandro's brother.

     

    and we will let Jane handle this therefore, the foot soldiers have arrest Pedro and they left. Mom, Dad.

     

     

    I am going to saved Pedro from Jane. But it is snowing how you are going to do this asked Rick.

    Alejandro told them he is a warrior and he must saved my little brother's life.

     

    Alejandro who have his own clan of people they are Ace, Spade, Hearts, Jack, Queen and King These are the people are most powerful clan. in addition, they must infiltrate Jane’s Castle.

     

    The map said Summer Hill has a big mountain top and there is a huge castle where Jane lived.

     

    One hour before Alejandro came climbing up with his friends; Pedro is lock up in a cell-block. Jane first met Pedro for the first time. kid, you think you have the nerves to escaped and you called my bodyguard a porker you idiot I, Jane will sentence you to life in prison. In Jasmine village that is about twenty miles away from the castle.

     

    I have a powerful weapon am I right. What? She explain that she have a deadly chemical called Sarin. Sarin, what in the hell is that?It is a chemical weapon you jackass she then pointed out a target like men attack Jasmine now.

     

    Um boss, what. The Sarin is in the basement! The foot soldier said way to go genius. She then pointed out her pistol and she shot him in the head as he fell off from the castle.

     

    Soldiers give me my damn Sarin now! Meanwhile Alejandro and his clan found the mountain top

    as they have to climb up. However due to

  • There are some really serious problems with your English that you simply cannot see. I would suggest that you just write, and get an editor to aid you.

  • OK, just ignoring the story line ..

     

    here is a new updated and I hope I doing this right lol 

     

    Ten years ago, In Summer Hill there was a cruel and evil dictator named Jane. Jane, who also governs/ed this island.

     

    There is also a seven-year old boy named Pedro, who had always dreamed of becoming a warrior and his older brother named Alejandro who was (is?) ten years older than him. Alejandro was (is?) a tall and muscular man and one night he was walking all alone when he heard the ruthless dictator and her bodyguard named Katrina who were secretly discussing about her secret weapons of mass destruction in her castle. Yet Alejandro heard everything and quickly run away from the scene of the crime.

     

    Nevertheless, the bodyguard had then seen Alejandro running away. Alejandro and he heard the sound of gunfire from Katrina In addition, Jane told her foot soldiers to hunt down and kill Alejandro yet, the hand is quicker than the eye because, he took out seventy men all at once with his martial art moves kicking every soldier's **bleep** (**bleep**?)

    But he now finally he made it home.

     

    That's just a small example, and I have not changed every promblem with it.

     

    May I ask your age?

  • LOL. it bleeps out a word that's actually a polite way of saying another for use on TV etc. I thought the poster had typed the bleep. A S S!

  • Abd Tumeh, that is a big step forward.

     

    Now, there's still very far to go, but you're moving in the right direction. Let's work on quote marks.

     

    When a person speaks, what he says goes inside quote marks, like this:

     

    "Hello," he said.

     

    "Well, hello," she answered.

     

    So when you have Jane saying "Give me my sarin gas" That should be in quotes, for example.

     

    Also, think about what I said, as far as slowing the story down and expanding it. Once you have gotten that far, then you can work with an editor to fix the grammar and spelling issues.

  • My tip would be: write the whole book as a draft, go over it and fix whatever you can - and handle it to an editor. If you can't afford one, I suggest you to trade/exchange services with another indie author, such as reviews, or doing something you can in return.

    Basically, what Skoob has also mentioned.

    If you write pieces of story, then post it online for help on the editing, chances are, the story will have a bad flow...
  • One of the best things you can do is read. And as you read, try to pay close attention to what the authors are doing. Not so much style or technique, but how they handle basic things like dialog, paragraphs, punctuation, etc. In short, one of the best ways to become a good writer is to first become a good reader.

     

     


  •  

    Here are some suggested changes.

     

    While looking over the whole thing, I think the biggest problem is that you are in too much of a hurry to tell your story. It sounds like a synopsis. Slow down. Take your time. Establish who your characters are.Let the reader see the action rather than just tell them what happened.

     

    Surely you have some favorite authors who write the kind of stories you are trying to write. Read them carefully and try to emulate the things they do. As I said, the best way to become a good writer is to be a good reader.

     

    Here is a helpful hint from Edgar Allen Poe: read what you have written aloud. This forces you to read every word. If something sounds wrong or doesn't seem to make sense, then you will need to fix it.

     

     

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     

    Ten years ago, in Summer Hill, there was a cruel and evil dictator named Jane. Jane, who also governed this island.

     

    There was also a seven-year old boy named Pedro, who had always dreamed of becoming a warrior, and his older brother, named Alejandro, who was ten years older than him. Alejandro was a tall and muscular man. One night he was walking all  alone when he heard the ruthless dictator and her bodyguard named Katrina who were secretly discussing about her secret weapons of mass destruction in her castle. Yet Alejandro heard everything and quickly ran away from the scene of the crime.

     

    Nevertheless, the bodyguard then seen saw Alejandro running away. Alejandro and he heard a the sound of gunfire from Katrina. In addition, Jane told her foot soldiers to hunt down and kill Alejandro. Yet, the hand is quicker than the eye because he took out seventy men all at once with his martial art moves, kicking every soldier's **bleep** But he now finally he made it home.

     

      

    When Jane found out that Alejandro escaped and went home she orders her foot soldiers, to infiltrate Jasmine village until they find Alejandro.

     

    At Pedro's house, Pedro’s parents, name Rick and Maria, worried about Alejandro. Then suddenly Alejandro finally came home.

     

    He than told his family to leave the village at once. "Why do we have to leave?" Pedro asked.

     

    "Because I just heard that Jane has the chemical weapon of mass destruction called Sarin. Either, we leave now or I will… in addition, a fleet of soldiers will appear."

     

    "Oh crap," Alejandro said. "Come out with your hands up now, Alejandro, you are under arrest for eavesdropping and it is too late because you will are under arrest.  On the spot men, point out your assault rifles at Alejandro."

     

    Then Katrina appeared and said to the soldiers, "If you decided to run I will call the shots."

     

    Then Alejandro fell on the ground.

     

    "Okay I will choose and you will died, okay. Ready... Aim…Fire…"

     

    "Stop it now you fat **bleep** porker!" Pedro cried and as he interrupted Katrina. She then then she stopped and said, "What did did you just say, kid? you just said kid, Then she added, "I order everyone do to not to kill or arrest Alejandro but instead we are going to arrest Pedro Alejandro's brother  and we will let Jane handle this. Therefore, the foot soldiers have arrested Pedro and they left. Mom and Dad."

     

     

    "I am going to save Pedro from Jane. But it is snowing. How you are going to do this?" asked Rick. 
    "
    Alejandro told them he is a warrior and he must saved my little brother's life. Alejandro has his own clan of people. They are Ace, Spade, Hearts, Jack, Queen and King. These are the people of the most powerful clan. In addition, they must infiltrate Jane’s Castle. The map said that Summer Hill has a big mountain top and there is a huge castle there where Jane lives."

     

    One hour before Alejandro came climbing up with his friends, Pedro was locked up in a cell-block. Jane first met Pedro for the first time. "Kid, you think you have the nerves to escaped and you called my bodyguard a porker, you idiot. I, Jane, will sentence you to life in prison in Jasmine village, which that is about twenty miles away from the castle.  I have a powerful weapon,am I right. What?

     

    She explains that she has a deadly chemical called Sarin.

     

    "Sarin, what in the hell is that?"

     

    "It is a chemical weapon, you jackass." She then pointed out a target like men attack Jasmine now. [I do not know what this means]

     

    "Um boss, what? The Sarin is in the basement! The foot soldiers said 'way to go genius.'"

     

    She then pointed out her pistol and she shot him in the head as he fell off from the castle.

     

    "Soldiers give me my damn Sarin now!"

     

     

     


  • Ron Miller wrote:

    One of the best things you can do is read. And as you read, try to pay close attention to what the authors are doing. Not so much style or technique, but how they handle basic things like dialog, paragraphs, punctuation, etc. In short, one of the best ways to become a good writer is to first become a good reader.

     

     


    This cannot be over stated. I think it's especially helpful to write a first draft - don't focus too much on the details, just create the story - then go read something by an author you love, or one whose style is similar to the story you are creating. Get inspiration from work that is successful! Then go back and rewrite, with the lessons from the stories you just absorbed resonanting.

     

    I've employed this method for short stories, and I feel like it's helped me tremendously, not only be creating distance between myself and the draft, but also in building up my awareness of what works (and doesn't).

  • Perhaps some of you do not recall the 'Twilight Effect'? During the film runs, not the books.

     

    100s of new users hit Lulu with their vampire stories, and at the very least it was obvious many of them had never opened a book, never mind read one. I wonder how many others are influenced by TV and film and not by books?

     

    If they did open a book they would at least see how they are laid out.

     

    Personally I find I often influence myself when writing. I use the - just put down what comes to mind - method (if I try to be exact and think too much about it at first, I often hit that writer's wall (not the same as writer's block).) When going back over it to tinker (dozens of times!) what I have written will place other ideas in to my mind. When this no longer happens, then job done.

     

    But very often it's not possible to continue a story unless one goes back to add to or alter the previous text (I call it painting yourself in to a corner) I never plan in detail.

Sign In or Register to comment.