"Far and Away" Chapt. 3 Comments Welcome Please.

Bolter1224Bolter1224 Creator
edited August 17 in Author Workshop
Here is the beginning of the prologue of, "Far and Away". The beginning of chapter 3. Any questions and comments are welcome! Kurt Burnum.

SIX ISN’T EASY

 

Pronouncing his last name, “Owen” audibly Randal began chanting once again. This time to himself as he got himself out of bed, changed into his bathrobe, and headed for the shower.

Just as he started to whistle a clever tune of his own invention there was the familiar sound of Hernando’s blood-thirsty knock at his door. Thump, thump, thump…

 Thump, thump, thump. Three times, twice. He stopped. Startled just a bit and still left confused from his turmoil time spent in dreamland, there was nothing to do but hurry. Time was short and he needed to get to work. Making money…

Stepping steadfastly Randal stopped once again. This time just short of the door because the knob was shaking.

“Let me in Vatto! I have a gift for you.”

Without any further hesitation Randal pulled the chain loose, loosened the deadbolts, (Two in fact.) and peaked through the now cracked metal door.

“Hurry, come in.” Randal said with a gasp as Hernando stepped through the door into the nearly vacant one room apartment.

“Tonight we play Roulette…”

 “I do so love the red carpet in here Randal. It suits you.” Hernando said jokingly while thinking of the game of, “Roulette”, and at the same time staring up at Randal with his dark brown, almost glowing white eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that Hernando! You’re freaking me out! Get ready for tonight Hernando. You look terrible, and I have to shower! Now hurry…”

And then, just to the right of Randal’s old-western style vanity was his mixed color tile bathroom. There was a vanity-less porcelain sink on the wall to the left, a toilet to the right of that which read with a blue stamp of a flamingo type bird on it, “Craine”. Then, without separation from the inside and the outside was a good hot shower which Randal now had running.

Only a small tiled partition stood between the two sections, and about it was about four inches tall which separated the outer and inner portions of the shower and it was enough to keep water from running out onto the bathroom floor. There was a blue ocean mural shower curtain with dolphins swimming and lots of large pockets on the inside. Just opposite the outward-facing ocean landscape.

 Undressed now, Randal finally was able to get in.

And just as Hernando seemed to be curiously rifling through the objects on the vanity looking for God knows what he bent and cocked his head to one side.

“Hum?” he exclaimed honestly, picked up a half empty bottle of Eternity cologne, and spritzed himself generously. Like four pumps of the mist-operated cap.

“There, Amigo. That should do.” Was all he said, but only loud enough for him to hear?

“I have a system for you!” This time he said it just loud enough to be audible with Randal in the shower.

“What’s that!?!” Randal shouted.

“Oh yeah Amigo I’ve been working on it for you. I’ve already run it through simulator with poor results, but with a little luck I think it should work… You want to try it???”

“Oh, yeah.” Randal stated back to Hernando. This time not pretending to hear what was said as Randal’s senses were never at any level, “dull”.

It was all written down on a piece of paper where Hernando had written it and put in his left hip pocket

. Hernando had definitely affectionately named it, “Seven come Eleven. A Compensation Strategy” which was geared toward evening the odds as best as could be done against the house with a double zero American Roulette Wheel.

The betting on each spin of the ball was written down on the paper that Hernando now held and had written down on and put in his left hip pocket for safe keeping. It would read as follows:

“Seven come Eleven Compensation Strategy”

He continued on while laughing aloud.

“I figured it all out. It works.” He said politely while smiling now holding his unfolded paper out in front of him with both hands so he could now read it. Then he continued on;

“Four chips are to be bet on the first and third twelve, and also on the first and third columns. Seven chips bet on numbers eight, twenty-nine, and seventeen and twenty split. Eight chips are then bet on numbers zero and double zero, eleven and fourteen, and then twenty-three and twenty-six split.

        After that, eleven chips would be bet on numbers four, six, thirty-one, thirty-three, sixteen and nineteen and eighteen and twenty-one split for a total of one-hundred and nineteen chips bet with each spin of the wheel.

That accounts for the same number of chips bet on each column and dozen which individually added up to forty-five chips bet on any given column or dozen on each spin of the wheel. Compensation you see! Hold on a minute.” He said rotating the paper.

“There!” He said.

“In order to figure it all out you have to subtract that from half of the total chips bet, (Which is one hundred and nineteen.) or fifty-nine and you get roughly about fifteen checks or chips that the odds of the game will now allow for you to bet extra with.

That’s above and beyond the original one-hundred and nineteen checks markedly bet on each spin of the Roulette Wheel my friend.”

He said now chuckling at his own cleverness. He was now blushing and so caught up in his own self.

Then he said,

“Now, after putting those checks on numbers zero, double zero, seventeen, and the twenty spot, doing so makes since because they aren’t covered by any outside bets. Namely the twelve checks bet on the columns and dozens.

So to add the fifteen extra checks I just added the original seven already bet on seventeen and twenty split to it giving twenty-two and added that to one hundred and twelve roughly about one-hundred and thirty-four checks. Pretty clever don’t you think Amigo? What do you think?”

Prologue or chapters 1 and 2 including Acknowledgements, Dedication, and ISBN available here at lulu.com.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/kurt-burnum/far-and-away/paperback/product-24192561.html


Comments

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius
    Pronouncing his last name, “Owen” audibly, Randal began chanting once again. This time to himself as he got himself out of bed, changed into his bathrobe, and headed for the shower. 

    I would have the comma I have added.

    That's just one example of the many places it would benefit from additional commas.

  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor
    edited August 19

    I agree about the punctuation in that opening paragraph. I had to read it several times before I understood what was meant. I would have punctuated like this, though:

    Pronouncing his last name, “Owen,” audibly, Randal began chanting once again. This time to himself as he got himself out of bed, changed into his bathrobe, and headed for the shower. 

    I might say, though, that overall I think this chapter has some of the best writing I've seen you do.


    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • Bolter1224Bolter1224 Creator
    edited August 21
    Okay. Love you guys. Thanks for the input. It will definitely make into print. Ron, your influence stretches far and wide. I appreciate the input. Thanks guys!
  • I agree, this is some of your best work to date. Engaging, clear story line, clear characters. Improvement in the punctuation. Definitely a big step forward, Kurt.
  • A_A_CainA_A_Cain Oz Creator
    edited August 22
    I think your dialogue punctuation needs more work to meet publishing conventions. For example:

    “Hurry, come in.” Randal said with a gasp...

    should be:

     “Hurry, come in,” Randal said with a gasp...

    (You have a speech tag, which in this case needs to be preceded by the comma.)

    “There!” He said.

    should be: “There!” he said.

    (Again, 'he said' is a speech tag. Your punctuation makes it an incomplete, stub sentence.)

    Then he said,

    “Now, after putting those checks...

    should be:

    Then he said, “Now, after putting those checks...

    (The paragraph break is incorrect - again, the speech tag 'he said,' is a part of the dialogue sentence; there should not be a new paragraph for the dialogue.)

    In other places you have very long run-on sentences  that should be punctuated with commas, and you also have some unnecessary repetition. I'd suggest you get an editorial eye to check your punctuation and to tighten up your prose :).
  • Bolter1224Bolter1224 Creator
    edited August 28
    Thanks for the comments. You guys are awesome writers and I definitely respect your English grammar attire. Nevermind my phonetics, I could be an excellent story teller! The truth is, I'm so confused in punctuation that I flunked out of High School the last quarter of my Senior year. Supposedly graduating in 93' it didn't actually occur until the very cold winter of 2002. Thank God for me, it happened then!

    I think eventually I might get the help I need for my books! Oher than just typing on, " Word 2007" at the library for now.  The tale itself will, no doubt be a solid one. I agree, professional help is warrantied! Although a finished copy will evidently have to come from someone else's opinion which I'm not exactly comfortable with. My own misfortune I guess.
  • Bolter1224Bolter1224 Creator
    edited August 28
    I'm constantly sriving for overall improvement in my books. But punctuation, spelling, grammar, proofreading  and editorial mishaps seem to leave me a hopeless, baffled and constantly confused storyteller.

     One who seems to be left with a lot of misprinted versions of what once seemed to be a complete story.  Probably due to mental illness. Schizo-Affective Bi-Polar type II in fact. Even with medication, I don't think I will ever completely get over it.
  • A_A_CainA_A_Cain Oz Creator
    I'm constantly sriving for overall improvement in my books. But punctuation, spelling, grammar, proofreading  and editorial mishaps seem to leave me a hopeless, baffled and constantly confused storyteller.

     One who seems to be left with a lot of misprinted versions of what once seemed to be a complete story.  Probably due to mental illness. Schizo-Affective Bi-Polar type II in fact. Even with medication, I don't think I will ever completely get over it.
    You have my sympathy, and I did see that in your bio, but I also saw lots of replies not picking up on fundamental publishing requirements like punctuation and grammar. Things that get in the way of good story-telling.

    You're asking folk to pay money to buy books, and good copy therefore matters.

    You get medical assistance for your illness, so maybe you could consider editorial assistance in the same way - help from someone who has the right skills. You can still tell 97% of the story, just seek help to tidy it up :).
  • Bolter1224Bolter1224 Creator
    edited August 29
    Selling for money is a requirement of publishing but I do not publish for profit.
     
    I have very little. Very little in life, and pronouncing literature is a healthy creative outlet for me. People who know me know that.

    Those who choose to do so may have the privlidge of reading my work. I plan on continuing my work in my way though, and doing so with what I've got.

    And so be it. It is my God given right. Provided by this great country which has been given the blood of my family time and again. So be it and let it be known to all! Because I honestly have no intentions of changing my work in any shape or form.

    Included are those fortunate enough ones who do understand my work, and understand that this is no joke! Understand that it's real, and in no form, "Just an escape from reality!".

    Instead, it is a true account of real life history. Included in my writings is a timeless account, and history of reality expressed in an fictional interum that works through, "true to life characters" that only function in a, "fictional reality". That's all. Nothing more.

    This allows me my own expression of truth through my own words. Words to be documented now, timelessly.

    And because of the amazing specticle, and evolution of Indie Publishing my own documented life will live on through the written word for my own future generations.

    Once I purchase copies of my stories, hold them, and read them in my own hand it does allow me to examine my true inner, "self". It will do the same for whom ever cares to know.

    So, if you are at all confused please, just know that all of my work is the truth as I know it, and is done so for my own benifit.

    A timeless account of my Earthly work. A work made for all who have ever or will ever know me. And because of that, there is no stopping it, or letting it go back!

    Salutations to all of you out there who read my work! These books aren't mere fables or even, "just works of fiction" to me.

    Please remmber,

    "And this should also be an R.S.V.P. to anyone out there who doubts my work as truth in reality because in actuality, it really, "Is"!"

    There's no way around is so please, make no mistake, and let it be known to her, and to all who knew her that, on this day, (The one year anniversary of her passing.) that she, my wife can still carry on in peace. Knowing that her life, and Earthly work will be saved and documented in the same way as well!

     The way she intended it. Not made to be mine, but yet still the same as mine. This is no Manifesto to my dear ones! Only life as I've known it. Inescapable and meaningless. As it Is...
  • Ron MillerRon Miller Professor

    Just a couple of comments...

    First---You may not be making a profit from your books but people still have to pay to read them. This places an obligation on you to make them as good as they can possibly be. They are not "privileged" to read your books. They are paying for that.

    Second---you owe it to yourself to make your books as polished as you can, to learn and grow and develop as a writer. You are really doing yourself no favor to say that you "honestly have no intentions of changing my work in any shape or form"---it shows little respect for yourself or your ideas.

    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • Bolter1224Bolter1224 Creator
    edited August 30
    Opinions on this topic very, obviously.

    But to cool your jets, off comments about self-respect will not change the fact that outside professional work is still not a requirement for a book that is published for free. Nor does it change my personal perogative to charge an appropriate amount of my choosing.

    These are some of the hallmarks of an independent publishing company. For those who do choose a main-stream approach, just know that it is your right to do so. But buyer be aware that in no way does this have any effect on the rest of us.

    As usual, you as an appropriated moderator may have the final word on the subject. Although it changes nothing. Sorry.

    "Let Feedom Ring"

    Kurt Burnum




  • It's all about the small steps, Kurt. Make this one better than the last, and the next one a bit better, and so forth. Rome was not built in a day, and the best writer on this forum -- whoever that may be -- did not pick up a pen on the first day of grade school and write War and Peace.

    Small steps. Be proud of the progress, and keep moving forward.
  • Bolter1224Bolter1224 Creator
    edited August 31
    One day, Skoob. This may all just turn out for the best! You're right! That's what I'm hoping. That this all ends in a good way.

    God willing, these things will change and turn out for the best too. But truthfully, one way or the other they always do anyway! Hence, I'm not going to worry about what certain people think of what an Indie Author, or Authors are doing! 

    That is the greatness of a forgiving God. Everything being a testimony to The Lord Himself.

    What does this have to do with me personally writing, and publishing books on my own? 

    The answer; "Nothing!"

    I am right because without Authors there wouldn't even be publishers. And Ron is also right because there aren't, "paid" authors without book-buying readers.

    So before Indie Publishers stop what they're doing, and furnishes to us paying readers they should harness some of the leg-work. Correct? Like a paid publishing house they should provide editing, proofreading, and marketing. Only for free! Of which, they do in fact.

     In any case, they leave it up to the author to make the decisions in these regards. Hence, a catch twenty-two system prevails setting judgement of author blaming author. In this case, of ethical misconduct.

    If you have questions, you might know that I follow the grammatical guidelines spelled out in Microsoft  Word 2007, and less recently in 2013.

    So in any case, if you have negative opinions regarding sentence structure or paragraph spacing in any of my seven novels. Please take note of that, or take it up with them.

    If you don't agree with the lack of guidelines for Indie Author's  maybe you should stick more to the besten path.

    As far as the story itself? Just ask The Super- Max Prisons that accept my donations how I'm doing. They might know best. Anyway, onward and upwards I imagine. 
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius
    If you have questions, you might know that I follow the grammatical guidelines spelled out in Microsoft  Word 2007, and less recently in 2013

    Note the word 'guidelines' there. Never let it auto-correct because it's not any form of A.I. If you must use it, let it just show you what it recommends and then look up elsewhere if it's correct.
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