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My poetry feedback please

edited November 13 in Author Workshop
I have just published a poetry book it only 25 pages because these poetry was a project in my English class 17 years ago.
 here is a sample 

Poetry Is...


Like the energizer bunny,

it's just keeps on going and going

like waking up after a nap, refresh.

A never ending rainbow

like a road that never ends, an angel flying up in heaven

like a new invention,

you can create whatever you want, like a top dance on my soul

-Abd Tumeh April 2001.



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Comments

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    Call me strange, but I always expect poetry to rhyme.

    Handy really. We had no money that day.

    But what on earth could we do?

    Who could we tell? What would we say?

    To be true - we were in a bit of a stew.

     

    Then Grandma came one day to stay.

    (She always did drive us around the bend).

    We did warn her I feel sure to say.

    Didn’t I say her memory would cause her end?


  • I think it's both admiral and brave of you to attempt to write poetry in what is evidently not your native language.

    You did an excellent job, but if you have plans to publish your work I would suggest that you get someone experienced in English, or who is a native English-speaker, to go over your poems for you. There are a few minor errors of usage in the sample you posted. For instance, "refresh" should be "refreshed" and "top dance" should be "tap dance."
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • How was it looking back on something you wrote 17 years ago?
    Tim Reinholt Author of Pow, a ski bum heist adventure
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    not your native language

    it is.

  • not your native language

    it is.

    I was asking that question of Mr. Tumeh.
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • my native language is English
  • My apologies.
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    I was asking that question of Mr. Tumeh

    Yes, I got that from the rest of that posting, I know you know mine is! But Mr. Tumeh is not new here, and he's said his first language is English.  :) Hence his ??? I expect.

  • I misunderstood his comment about the English class he took.
    __________________________________________
    Black Cat Studios http://www.black-cat-studios.com/
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius
    Not to worry. I too had English classes. All the English do :)
  • LarikaLarika Bibliophile
    edited November 18
    Mr Tomeh, I like poetry very much but do take Ron's advice, "There are a few minor errors of usage in the sample you posted. For instance, "refresh" should be "refreshed" and "top dance" should be "tap dance."  I think you mean "It not It's." I like the sentiment you express.
  • LarikaLarika Bibliophile

    "Call me strange, but I always expect poetry to rhyme."   

    "Although free verse requires no meter, rhyme, or other traditional poetic techniques, a poet can still use them to create some sense of structure. A clear example of this can be found in Walt Whitman's poems, where he repeats certain phrases and uses commas to create both a rhythm and structure.

    Pattern and discipline is to be found in free verse: the internal pattern of sounds, the choice of exact words, and the effect of associations give free verse its beauty.With the Imagists free verse became a discipline and acquired status as a legitimate poetic form. Herbert Read however, noting that 'the Imagist Ezra Pound gave free verse its musical structure to an extent that parodoxically it was no longer free'.

    Unrestrained by traditional boundaries, Yvor Winters described this as "attempts to widen experience by establishing 'abnormal' conventions", the poet possesses more license to express, and has more control over the development of the poem. This can allow for a more spontaneous and individualized poetic art product." Wikipedia



  • LarikaLarika Bibliophile
    edited November 19
    Mr Tumeh I found your poetry book on Amazon but couldn't find it here. Also you show no poems in the review; perhaps you could show just 2 or 3.  I was surprised that your eBook was more expensive than the print version; usually it's the other way around.
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius
    I still like it to rhyme, it's harder to achieve :)
  • LarikaLarika Bibliophile
    It took me no time to write this rubbish Kevin-

    Advice to the Young
    When I was just a young girl,
    We didn't have a phone.
    No television in our house.
    Computers were unknown.

    At last we got a TV,
    A black and white affair.
    We watched it every evening,
    But it wasn't very clear.

    It ran for just a little while
    And after suppertime,
    We'd sit before our telly.
    It really was sublime.

    No central heating in our house.
    A coal fire warmed us up.
    We climbed the stairs to rooms so cold,
    With hot cocoa in a cup.

    When I was just a young girl,
    I did not sit alone
    In front of a computer.
    I always liked to roam.

    We played our games out in the street,
    Or in a nearby park.
    We shared a bike and had such fun,
    Not cloistered in the dark.

    When thinking of my early years,
    Life was just a game.
    Now life is complex for the kids.
    It really is a shame.

    Some boast about their smartphones,
    Their computer, their, iPad.
    And spend their days locked in their room.
    It really is quite sad.

    Please go outside and join your friends.
    Don't sit locked in your room.
    Just playing on your laptop,
    In the darkness and the gloom.

    When you grow old and cannot do
    The things you did before.
    That's when you'll sit inside your house
    Behind your bedroom door.

    You'll spend your time on laptops.
    You'll telephone a friend.
    So young ones please take my advice
     Let isolation end.

    Don't spend your time on Facebook,
    Or "tweet" your best crony.
    The social media friend you make
    Perhaps he'll be a phony.

    He could be very dangerous,
    Choose real friends you know.
    Don't dwell on social media
    It can drag you down quite low.

    Don't live inside the internet.
    Or glued to your smartphone.
    Go out into the real world
    For soon you will be grown.

    However I've been working on my latest free verse for a month and still can't get it. It really isn't easy. Have a go.

    PS.  First time I posted the poem it was put into the bin by someone. It could go that way now, but it is in response to a comment. :)





  • please don't change the subject
  • LarikaLarika Bibliophile
    Sorry Mr Tumeh, I was just responding to a comment posted on this discussion. You have written a free verse poem and I was saying rhat free verse is harder to write than rhyming poetry.

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    It took me no time to write this rubbish Kevin-

    It is very honest. Not all poems need to be about seeing flocks of daffodils. (And, apparently, when he wrote that, he was blind!)

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    please don't change the subject

    It is the subject >> poems.

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    free verse is harder to write than rhyming poetry.

    How is that so?

    In visions of the dark night
    I have dreamed of joy departed-
    But a waking dream of life and light
    Hath left me broken-hearted.

    Ah! what is not a dream by day
    To him whose eyes are cast
    On things around him with a ray
    Turned back upon the past?

    That holy dream- that holy dream,
    While all the world were chiding,
    Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
    A lonely spirit guiding.

    What though that light, thro' storm and night,
    So trembled from afar-
    What could there be more purely bright
    In Truth's day-star?


    They do it down on camber sands
    They do it at waikiki
    Lazing about the beach all day,
    At night the crickets creepy
    Squinting faces at the sky
    A harold robbins paperback
    Surfers drop their boards and dry
    And everybody wants a hat
    But behind the chalet
    My holiday's complete
    And I feel like william tell
    Maid marian on her tiptoed feet
    Pulling mussels from a shell

    Squeeze lyrics

    They just trip off the tongue.

    https://literarydevices.net/free-verse/

    Its seems that anything goes with free verse!


  • LarikaLarika Bibliophile
    edited November 22
    Thank you for crossing out the rubbish Kevin. The verses were for a reading to primary school children. Our writing group has been invited to our local library to read our poems and stories.  I can't compare my simple rhyming verse with the great Edgar Allen Poe or the brilliant Wordsworth. Yes rhyming verse at that level is superb and not easy!! However at my level I find rhymes easier to do than free verse where I am trying to use metaphors and similes and not make it rhyme, while still attempting to get a rhythm.
  • LarikaLarika Bibliophile
    Mr Tumeh, I hope you are still writing poetry. It is a wonderful art form.
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

     Our writing group

    Are they using Lulu and the forum yet?  :)

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    However at my level I find rhymes easier to do than free verse, where I am trying to use metaphors and similes and not make it rhyme, while still attempting to get a rhythm.

    Have a go at amalgamating the two. The Greats are known because they are just that - great, but I bet even from their era there where many published poets that did not pass the test of time. This is just Victorian ones >>

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Victorian_poets

     One thing I have noticed about the Classics, is they became that because it was compulsory in school to read them. Not that I can recall doing so!

  • LarikaLarika Bibliophile
    edited November 21
    No Kevin, I am the only one using Lulu in my writing group. I try to get them to try it but they visit and see what's involved and give up too easily. I know Lulu seems complicated at first, but with the help of the forums and the knowledge base one soon learns.Two of them have published books going the old fashioned route through agents and one publishes on Amazon. 
    PS At one time they asked me if I was working for Lulu after all my urgings to try it.  :)
  • I'm going to slide in here with a quick plug for our xPress site. This site uses the new creation tool we've been developing and is much more user-friendly. The downside is that you won't be able to add an ISBN or sell the book if you create it on xPress. This site is just for printing and buying copies. But it is a good way to get a test book printed and get a feel for how self-publishing works.
    If you know of folks who are considering self-publishing, or who just need some printed copies to review, Lulu xPress is a great solution.
  • LarikaLarika Bibliophile
    Interesting new tool Paul. I know people who only want to print and buy. This new Lulu addition could be good for them.
     I've been investigating the new tool. Where is it located in Lulu?
  • https://xpress.lulu.com/ is the URL. Over the next 12 months we'll be moving our entire platform over to a book builder similar to this, so it's a great introduction to self-publishing.


  • Paul_Lulu said:
    I'm going to slide in here with a quick plug for our xPress site. This site uses the new creation tool we've been developing and is much more user-friendly. The downside is that you won't be able to add an ISBN or sell the book if you create it on xPress. This site is just for printing and buying copies. But it is a good way to get a test book printed and get a feel for how self-publishing works.
    If you know of folks who are considering self-publishing, or who just need some printed copies to review, Lulu xPress is a great solution.
    what this got to do with my feedback?
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