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I need some feedback

Chapter one



In the city of Lincoln, Nebraska in the year 1978, the four friend's mom were all crack heads and also they were all prostitute and none of the four boys never knew their fathers. As for I, one day I was walking home and I heard a cried. I could heard crying in a abandon Home... So I walked to that House and I seen them crying and I have called the polices but instead of taking them into foster care. I instead later adopting them myself. Who am I? My name is Momotaro Bushido yet, Bushido is my first name though. 


what do you think?

Comments

  • oncewasoncewas Librarian
    You are taking the mickey, right?
  • What?
  • oncewasoncewas Librarian
    Perhaps you ought to consider doing something other than writing. In the space of just over 100 words I encountered at least nine errors.

    If you are serious about wanting to be a writer then I suggest you take a few years out and read as much as you can.
  • I'll take a stab at this one.

    I'm going to ignore the spelling/grammar issues as I'll assume you're drafting here and just want constructive criticism about the structure. With that in mind, I suggest starting with the "I" before we introduce the boys. The first sentence is pure exposition and doesn't really catch my interest.

    Something like this might better grab my attention: "As for me, I heard them before I saw them. Walking home along my usual path, past the abandoned homes of the less reputable parts of Lincoln I encountered the whimpering of young boys. The sound tugged at my heart. I called the police, but couldn't wait for officers to arrive. I went looking for them myself and found four children huddled in one of those husks of a house.
    Who am I?..."

    And on from there. I wouldn't offer the story behind the children until we're a bit deeper into the narrative. Hold something back so we want more and let the understanding about why these children are crying be one of our reasons to keep reading.


  • I am Sorry I just trying something new 
  • Skoob_ymSkoob_ym Teacher
    Actually, Abd, I see a definite improvement. There is still a lot of room for more improvement, but this is better.

    I would still advise you to slow down in telling the story, but you're doing much better with it. As Paul points out, the beginning is still too much of a summary. You want to describe the story as it happens, and then you won't need to start with a summary.

    Paul is exactly right about the first sentence. Drop that entirely, and the rest reads much better. In fact, I get a little bit of what I call "a voice" in the line, "Who am I? My name is Momotaro Bushido yet." That has a little bit of style to it.

    I would make the last part of that sentence a new sentence by itself. "I am called Bushido by those who know me."

    I think that you're starting to get the general idea. It has a long way to go, but it's much better than some of your earlier stories. You are definitely moving in the right direction.
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius
    I would still suggest you get someone to assist you in writing.
  • thank you for your feedback, yes I trying indeed something new well here we go again. 

    In the year 1978, their are four boys and their mothers whom have been into drugs and prostitution. none of the four boys never knew their fathers. As for I, Bushido was walking home from work one day. That's when I heard someone crying in a abandon House... So I walked around the House and I looked the very cracked window. I had seen them,  four boys crying and I have called the police on their mothers as the four boys were neglected and abuse. When the police force their way inside the House. They had seen a lot of maggots and there were no food  and no babysitter and there were empty beer cans and bottles all over in the House.
    The Polices found the boy's mothers, and they're were arrested and charged for child abuse and neglect. but instead having a social worker taking them into a foster care. I instead wanted to adopt them myself by asking the judge permission.  After years of sixteen years of training in the arts of Ninjutsu, Karate and mastering weapons they're a secret ninja clan, enter the Ryuu Clan. 

    so, basically this is a very sad story is the main reason the characters fight for Justice as superhero figure
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    In the city of Lincoln, Nebraska in the year 1978, the four friend's mom

    The mother is a crackhead? (one word normally I would say) or do you mean that there are five crackheads? I believe it should also be friends'.

     were all crack heads and also they were all prostitute

    ProstituteS?

     and none of the four boys ever knew their fathers. As for I, one day I was walking home and I heard a cry. I could hear crying

    Do you mean calling out? Or in tears? But what has that to do with some mum and four boys mentioned at the start?

     in a abandon Home... So I walked to that house and I saw them crying and I have called the polices but instead of taking them into foster care .

    Who? The police taking them? That's not their job.

     I instead later adopted them myself. Who am I? My name is Momotaro Bushido yet,

    Yet what?

     Bushido is my first name though. 

    Use yet or though, not both.

    So many mistakes in so few words. Please please get someone to write for you.

  • Skoob_ym thank you for your feedback, yes I trying indeed something new well here we go again. 

    In the year 1978, their are four boys and their mothers whom have been into drugs and prostitution. none of the four boys never knew their fathers. As for I, Bushido was walking home from work one day. That's when I heard someone crying in a abandon House... So I walked around the House and I looked the very cracked window. I had seen them,  four boys crying and I have called the police on their mothers as the four boys were neglected and abuse. When the police force their way inside the House. They had seen a lot of maggots and there were no food  and no babysitter and there were empty beer cans and bottles all over in the House.
    The Polices found the boy's mothers, and they're were arrested and charged for child abuse and neglect. but instead having a social worker taking them into a foster care. I instead wanted to adopt them myself by asking the judge permission.  After years of sixteen years of training in the arts of Ninjutsu, Karate and mastering weapons they're a secret ninja clan, enter the Ryuu Clan. 

    so, basically this is a very sad story is the main reason the characters fight for Justice as superhero figure
  • Skoob_ymSkoob_ym Teacher
    edited August 3
    It's better, Abd, but it's still very rough. Sometimes it can be hard to find a good editor, but if there is a friend, family member, or teacher who would act as an editor and guide, I think it would make a big difference.

    Remember to keep reading. The more you read, the better you will write.
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius
    You do not understand writing better just by reading it, when you do not understand how English works.
  • Skoob_ymSkoob_ym Teacher
    How can one learn the correct usage and grammar of English better than by reading many examples, and copying the observed styles and usages? Unless it is to participate in reading them aloud in large groups, so that one sees, hears, and speaks the passages at the same time -- but unfortunately, responsive readings have gone out of style.
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    How can one learn the correct usage and grammar of English better than by reading many examples, and copying the observed styles and usages? Unless it is to participate in reading them aloud in large groups, so that one sees, hears, and speaks the passages at the same time -- but unfortunately, responsive readings have gone out of style.

    By, as I keep saying, getting someone to help him write, face to face. Show him his mistakes and tell him how to not make them. Just as I said my wife used to do with adults. Such help is available. It is much harder to do with people with Special Needs, because their brain functions differently, and you will find that is the problem.

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