I wrote this

Counting clouds as I try, to drift into sleep because the sheep pissed on my sheets.
It's stinky but I make way two my ship at sea.
In order to talk with my ship deck mates.
And say stormy night with glowing jello fish.
Sky bright, sky up high, led my mind to sleep.
As I dream, lets not repeat the stinky smells from that old sheep.

Comments

  • Skoob_ymSkoob_ym ✭✭✭

    AWarriorOfTime wrote:

    Counting clouds as I try, to drift into sleep because the sheep pissed on my sheets.
    It's stinky but I make way two my ship at sea.
    In order to talk with my ship deck mates.
    And say stormy night with glowing jello fish.
    Sky bright, sky up high, led my mind to sleep.
    As I dream, lets not repeat the stinky smells from that old sheep.


    Associating sleep with "sheep piss" and "It's stinky" will likely repulse many readers. The follow up "Stinky smells of that old sheep" underscore the revulsion.

     

    "Ship deck mates" is redundant: "Deck mates" will suffice.

     

    "jello fish" -- unless they are made of Jell-O brand (TM) gelatin -- should be "jellyfish."

     

    ll. 4ff: one might wish to use double quotes to indicate what part, exactly, you are saying to the deck mates.

     

    If the underlying concept is unpleasant sleep, then the imagery works, otherwise, one might wish to rethink the schema.

  • I take from this an attempt at "counting sheep gone awry", which is an interesting premise to explore. I Agree with Skoob that the "sheep pissed on my sheets" line opens with a sense of revulsion, that persists throughout the piece. There might be a softer way to let us visualize this, or perhaps even just a different means of phrasing to avoid that instant reaction and invest us in the plight of the sleepless narrator.
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