The God of Alpha

http://www.lulu.com/shop/raleigh-daniels-jr/the-god-of-alpha-sky-titans-1/paperback/product-22410101.html

In the first book of the epic saga of the Sky-Titans series, in 2045, a psychologist, Dr. Robert Finch interviews a client, the last remaining man of the Lost Generation tells the story of a young man befriending a girl who possess the power to transform into a werecat in a small Georgia town in the late 1920s.

Comments

  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    The layout needs working on.

  • What do I need to work on?
  • Just KevinJust Kevin Lulu Genius

    Unfortunately a lot and a lot to go over, so I will just say take a look inside books to see how they are laid out. If you are still not sure then post here again.

  • In the first book of the epic saga of the Sky-Titans series, in 2045, a psychologist, Dr. Robert Finch interviews a client, the last remaining man of the Lost Generation tells the story of a young man befriending a girl who possess the power to transform into a werecat in a small Georgia town in the late 1920s.

     

    This is a run-on sentence. I would suggest changing it thus:

     

    The first book of the epic saga of the Sky-Titans series: in 2045, a psychologist, Dr. Robert Finch, interviews a client. The last remaining man of the Lost Generation tells of a girl in a small 1920s Georgia town who possesses the power to transform into a werecat.

     

    What's the difference? The tag that this is the first book of a series is given a more logical segue into the first sentence. The remaining prepositional phrases are swept together and condensed, or thrown out as irrelevant.

     

    Looking at Page 1:

     

    Indentation is inconsistent and seems to be too deep for the font size. Consider resizing.

     

    "As I headed in through the waiting room, I saw a lovely woman in her thirties with a son with strange spiky hair with a stray of purple locks draped to his left shoulder."

     

    Look at the dependent clauses and prepositional phrases cluttering that sentence:

     

    "As I headed in through the waiting room,...................... dependent clause leading off the sentence, not always wrong, but...

    I saw a lovely woman ......................................................... Main Clause. OK by itself.

    in her thirties......................................................................... (1)

    with a son.............................................................................. (2)

    with strange spiky hair ....................................................... (3)

    with a stray of purple locks draped .................................. (4)

    to his left shoulder." ............................................................. (5)

     

    With 5 consecutive prepositional phrases, the reader will have trouble sorting out whose hair is purple and who has a son. Also, did you mean spray, as in a sprig or raceme, instead of stray?

     

    Consider, instead, saying

     

    "As I headed in through the waiting room, I saw a lovely woman in her thirties. She was sitting with a son. His strange spiky hair, with a stray of purple locks in the back, draped to his left shoulder."

     

    The pace of the sentence slows, the facts are divided logically, and the reader understands the picture better. It's clear which verbs and which clauses relate to which subjects.

     

    "To await for my client." should be "to await my client" or "to wait for my client."

     

    And so forth. I'm going to be frank with you, because I think we owe each other honesty, as writers. I think that this work needs a lot of editing and revision before it's ready to be published. I spotted several grammatical misuses in just a few pages, and the conversations with the woman-client and the nurse seem entirely unneeded. All of the dialog seems kind of stilted and manufactured... it doesn't really flow, and it doesn't seem natural. 

     

    Dialog should read as if you were casually conversing with a friend. Each phrase should naturally lead to the next, and the entire flow should move the story along. You dialog reads as if it were scripted and was being badly read by the actors. Think about how people naturally speak; think about what you would say if you were the character who is speaking. And so forth.

     

    I do like the cover, and I think you've probably got a strong idea for a plot, with some moderately strong characters. The writing however, needs some work, or at least some strong editing.

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